Sunday, March 13, 2011

An Open Letter to (a) Driver(s)

Re: Your interactions with Pedestrians

Dear Driver(s),

Today, I, a pedestrian (most pedestrian), can only apologize for not giving a curtsy when I paused to allow you to continue driving while I waited graciously on the sidewalk. I have acknowledged your blatant superiority, as evidenced by your car ownership, likely with heated seats toasting your buttocks pleasantly as you listen to the radio station of your choosing or, perhaps, a compact disc from your favorite musician, and stopped to watch in awe as you, high wage earner with important things to do and important places to be, drove through the harsh winter conditions which undoubtedly burden you with unnecessary stress over lengthened stopping distance and lessened control. I hope you didn't assume, and I am sure you did not, that I was pausing and looking both ways to assess the safety of the well marked crossing I had approached, I was merely glancing in other directions to see if any other pedestrians were sharing this moment with me, gazing upon your steel encased glory from the outside, glad that the brisk winter air keeps us alert that we might never miss an opportunity to appreciate your very presence in the world. In fact, it was almost selfish of me to stop, knowing that I might take some sliver of credit for the world altering innovation you would surely be developing in the fifteen to thirty seconds I shaved from your undoubtedly oppressively long commute. Thankfully, the chill wind that whistles through the streets and beats through the fibers of my winter coat humbles me as it reminds me that nature, like you, like your massive motor vehicle, is powerful. As you certainly deduced, using your refined reasoning skills and your ability to make inferences using logic, time equaling money and I apparently lacking the money to own a motor vehicle of my own, my time is worth far less than your time and we both made the only logical decision in prioritizing you and your time over that of a lowly pedestrian. And, so I don't take up more of your time with this overly verbose message, meant to, in all sincerity, thank you, I will close with a most clear and concise message: Thank you, driver(s), for being (a) monumental and unmatched in all the world douchebag(s).