Friday, August 6, 2010

Not My Fault

I've always been one to take responsibility for my actions. Almost always, in any case. Sometimes, though, I'm not to blame when things go wrong.

Today I did my hair and dressed cute so I could go get dumped, or so I assumed, because maybe you can't be "broken up with" by your not-boyfriend, but you can ALWAYS get dumped.

So, I have been "seeing" this guy, another smart one, a real go-getter. Problem with them is that Juneau is too small a town to contain that much ambition. He's been accepted to a PhD program and is headed out of here in September. Pretty much as soon as he found out, he started pulling away so I decided that I would open up the lines of communication.

I have this theory, you see, that open communication is a good thing. Let's test it out:

First I rambled about completely irrelevant things like making an enemy in an acquaintance's ex-boyfriend by getting in between them and helping her get into a cab and away from him and the bars (don't care, he's not worth my time anyway). Then I stated my case and because I am a sane and rational person, I apologized for Juneau's active sabotage of our not-relationship. You see, he did pull away, in part because he's leaving and wasn't sure what to do, in part because Juneau tried to force a label. Every time a girlfriend would ask "Is that your boyfriend?" and every time a friend would ask him "Where's your girlfriend" the impression building was that I was running around telling anyone who would listen that he was my BOYFRIEND and probably also that I wanted to have, like, ten-thousand of his babies. Only I wasn't.

I can say that we are clear about what we are not. I can say that we are clear about when what we are ends. I can't say I'm 100% clear about what the hell is going on between now and September, but I do know that we can figure that out pretty easily.

In any case. I've got another "failed relationship" under my belt but it's not my fault. It's not my fault that I like smart, ambitious men who go into PhD programs at prestigious universities. It's not my fault that there are no such prestigious universities in Juneau, Alaska. It's not my fault that gossipy Juneau tries to fuck with my casual dating mojo by forcing labels upon us.

It would be my fault if I didn't value this relationship for what it was. It would be my fault if I didn't gain some wisdom from this experience. It would also be my fault if I got disheartened and lowered my standards, going after less intelligent, less ambitious men.

Luckily, I'm doing this right.

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