If I don't get it, I might have to admit to myself that there's not really much of a future for me in Juneau. I've been here for 3 years at the end of this month and I have not held a real adult job for longer than 10 months. I don't want to work 2-3 jobs at a time to make ends meet, I don't want to find a new job every 3-6 months. I want to find something that I can stay with, that will pay the bills and leave me content. I want to start a career, not just work.
Already, only in May, I have been gone about 6 weeks out of the year. Approximately three and a half weeks were spent in Oregon, two weeks were spent in Mexico and approximately half a week was spent in San Francisco.
Sometimes I dream of traveling abroad again, teaching English if I must.
Sometimes I dream of moving to a big city with more opportunities (and more competition).
Sometimes I dream of moving to Oregon where I'll be closer to my family.
Sometimes I dream of moving to someplace completely new and completely random, for the sake of experiencing something new and starting over again. Everything will be novel, including me.
Mostly, though, I feel like I'll just be here until there is something that draws me somewhere else. That I'll continue to straddle the poverty line, drink lots of beer and whiskey, wondering what life might be like if I had done one thing differently.
Speaking of doing things differently, sometimes I have these fleeting thoughts, little "what ifs" that are completely outrageous. Today I wondered what would happen if I poured my beer on the couple in front of me on the plane. Think about it - we're stuck on a tiny plane with nowhere to go, we can't just land, we can't be separated. What would come of it?
I didn't do it, but what if I had?