Wednesday, May 26, 2010

IDENTITY CRISIS!!!



When I was in third grade I had to give my first presentation in front of the class. It was a book report? Or maybe it was that "how-to" exercise that is meant to teach children something. I still haven't decided if it is to teach children that stupid people need extra detailed instructions or just to teach children about implicit instructions or something. Anyway, I had to stand up in front of my class and present something.

I was TERRIFIED. The thought of standing in front of my class and giving a presentation was, to that point, the most horrifying feat I was ever faced with accomplishing. Mrs. Mulrooney (for whom I have generally fond memories) told me that if I didn't do my presentation then, I would receive a 0. A ZERO. A big, fat, red F. I cried. I did not deliver my presentation.

Somehow I passed third grade. Somehow I was able to coax myself into giving presentations in the future with no similar failures (except for that one time in that masters level seminar in Germany). I even felt so evolved that I thought I was extroverted.

Apparently, I am not. Apparently the ability to force myself to speak in front of people does not mean that I am not fidgeting or shaking uncontrollably. I guess I just don't notice it.

I have been receiving subtle hints over the last several months. I was once described as "reserved and thoughtful." Who? Me? I guess, maybe. I have been told by a friend that he and another friend thought I shouldn't be so down on myself. What? Conan O'Brien is FAMOUS for his self deprecating humor. Not that I would want my own show, I'd probably die. And recently I had the great fortune of talking with someone who had interviewed me about what I could improve upon and what my weaknesses may have been. Apparently, I was visibly nervous and this cast doubt upon my ability to handle this job well.

You guys, I have just come out of the closet, er, gone back into the closet, er, I guess I'm an introvert.

I suppose there have been many signs over the years: I spent my entire life reading and drawing and, most likely, the most extroverted things I may have done growing up include having less than 10 lines in two separate plays and being on the mock trial team. In college, my most extroverted thing was doing sorority recruitment, which, I'm pretty sure, was never my best experience on either end. I didn't even get invited back to two of the three houses when I went through.

And I know what you are thinking, "You're a bartender, you have to be extroverted!" Not true. I work in the least busy bar ever and I literally shake after I have to kick someone out. Or maybe you are thinking, "But you have, like, a thousand million friends on facebook and you are always out doing things with friends!" And that's true. But I guess my friends think I'm quiet (relatively) and reserved and thoughtful. And everyone needs a friend like that. I probably make an excellent wing woman.

The world wants me to be an extrovert. The world wants me to be fierce and aggressive and oozing of confidence. The world wants me to be composed during an interview and the world wants me to want to be president.

You guys, I am probably supposed to be a librarian.


Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Mood Swing

Melodramatic? Me? Nah.

Maybe sometimes.

Sometimes I get a little down. Don't we all? Especially after my relaxing vacation, it was especially disappointing to discover that I hadn't gotten the job I had interviewed for. I was most disappointed because I was shocked. Not shocked as in "how could they not hire me?!?" but shocked as in "Wait, I didn't even have a second interview!?!" It happens like that, sometimes.

It's not the end of the world and I know that. It's an opportunity to expand my horizons some. It was completely by chance that I ended up in Juneau, Alaska and perhaps fate would have it that I embark on a new adventure now.

I've been applying to jobs, slowly but surely. Options aren't quite limitless, but there are a lot of choices out there. I am looking mainly in the Bay Area, DC and Portland. My reasoning is that these are places where I know people who wouldn't mind me sleeping on their couch while I figure a few things out, where I have family or close friends to provide support of some kind. They are bigger cities with bigger opportunities. If only the competition were only what it is here.

Though I may have seemed despairing, worry not, I am far from giving up hope. And who knows, maybe I'll end up in your city!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

A Wise Man Once Said

"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need." - Mick Jagger, Rolling Stones

"Love is all you need." - John Lennon, The Beatles

So, wise men, musicians, they say a lot of things. There is truth in each, but you probably can't take it just as it is.

And to add another cliche to the mix, it may be time to put my money where my mouth is.

I know what you're asking yourself: "What money?"

Me too.

I did not get the job and despite scouring the state jobs site and the Empire's top jobs I have found not a single position in Juneau that I really want.

So, what's a girl to do?

Do I take some job I don't want for the sake of having an income?

Do I call it quits, give up, say that Juneau has defeated me?

Do I crawl into a corner and hope that my fairy godmother comes to grant me a wish?

Do I look elsewhere for jobs?

What the hell, guys? I don't know. I'm at a loss.

All the stress relief from my vacation is negated because I am still in the middle of my quarter life crisis with no plan, no ideas and certainly no answer.

I have a lot going for me here, but if I can't survive here (and I can't live on love) then I'm left with some tough choices.

I put it to you, Mick Jagger. And you, ghost of John Lennon. What the hell do you wise men have to say to this?

Monday, May 17, 2010

Decisions, Decisions.

I will be doing a second interview for this position and then I will hopefully find out if I get it or not within a reasonable amount of time. It seems like it would be a great opportunity, but as well as I think interview #1 went, I can't be certain that I will get it.

If I don't get it, I might have to admit to myself that there's not really much of a future for me in Juneau. I've been here for 3 years at the end of this month and I have not held a real adult job for longer than 10 months. I don't want to work 2-3 jobs at a time to make ends meet, I don't want to find a new job every 3-6 months. I want to find something that I can stay with, that will pay the bills and leave me content. I want to start a career, not just work.

Already, only in May, I have been gone about 6 weeks out of the year. Approximately three and a half weeks were spent in Oregon, two weeks were spent in Mexico and approximately half a week was spent in San Francisco.

Sometimes I dream of traveling abroad again, teaching English if I must.

Sometimes I dream of moving to a big city with more opportunities (and more competition).

Sometimes I dream of moving to Oregon where I'll be closer to my family.

Sometimes I dream of moving to someplace completely new and completely random, for the sake of experiencing something new and starting over again. Everything will be novel, including me.

Mostly, though, I feel like I'll just be here until there is something that draws me somewhere else. That I'll continue to straddle the poverty line, drink lots of beer and whiskey, wondering what life might be like if I had done one thing differently.

Speaking of doing things differently, sometimes I have these fleeting thoughts, little "what ifs" that are completely outrageous. Today I wondered what would happen if I poured my beer on the couple in front of me on the plane. Think about it - we're stuck on a tiny plane with nowhere to go, we can't just land, we can't be separated. What would come of it?

I didn't do it, but what if I had?

Friday, May 14, 2010

Because I Can't Afford Therapy

My big complaint about family gatherings was that there would be fighting. Ridiculous, stupid fights. Fights over politics and religion and just caused by drunken stupidity.

New complaint. Far worse, I think.

My parents and my grandma and her boyfriend returned to the house in a great mood and began calling for a cab to go out. I was invited to go out with them and I considered it because going out and drinking with family can have its advantages - like free booze.

Then I dug a little deeper.

"Where are you guys going?"

I didn't get a straight answer.

"OK, seriously, where are you going in the cab?"

I hope you are sitting (I assume you are) and please refrain from drinking any liquids while you drink this.

"The titty bar."

New plans for the evening: curl up in fetal position and rock back and forth. I can only imagine my poor step-dad, with whom I rarely sympathize, will be doing the same thing.

Hell, this is getting friggin' Oedipal here. He'll probably gouge out his own eyes.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Inspirational

My mom has this metal and glass wall hanging in our main bathroom. It has a silhouette of a couple damsel flies amongst the reeds, then two panels below, one a cut out of the word hope, the other an inspirational phrase:

Learn from yesterday.
Live for today.
Hope for tomorrow.


An insect was probably not the best imagery.


1. Pretty sure insects don't have the mental capacity to learn or hope.
2. The life span of an insect is a little short for talk of tomorrows.
3. Maybe this works if your only goal in life is to breed.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

The Poop Poop Song

I made up a song for my 4 month old nephew. It goes like this:

Poop poop poop
Poop poop poo-poop
*raspberry* *raspberry*
Poop poop poop
Poop poop poo-poop
*giant raspberry*

Do you believe me yet that I've been spending a little too much time with a baby?

In other news, we had a family get together with extended family included that did not include drunken antics, fist fights or people passing out naked. How is that even worth writing about?

Also, and I suppose I should have expected this, there is a second round of interviews. I did make it through round 1 of the interviews, so now I need to come up with some way to be super awesome for round 2.

I expect everyone to keep their fingers crossed. PERMANENTLY. Or at least until I say when.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

10 Things vs. 2 Things

I just had a suggestion on facebook (via a college acquaintance) for the page "10 Things a Woman Can Do to Keep Her Man from Cheating."

I don't think there are 10 things I need to do to keep my man from cheating. I think there is one thing my man needs to do: NOT CHEAT.

And, should my man cheat, there is one thing I need to do: DUMP HIS ASS.

It's a much simpler system.

---

It's not really a black and white "if he cheats I dump his ass" situation for me, as I have known some people I really have a lot of respect for who have slipped up and I think I could forgive and forget if the circumstances were deserving. I do, however, stand by my statement that there are not 10 things I should do to keep my man from cheating. And if there were things I ought to do to keep my (again, hypothetical) man from cheating, it would not be limited to some stupid list of 10 arbitrary things featured in Cosmo along with their 100 ways to please your man.

Friday, May 7, 2010

The company you keep

I've been spending an overwhelming amount of time with my 4 month old nephew. I think he is absolutely adorable and love everything about him, even when he pees on or pukes on me.

I'm concerned that spending all my time with someone who doesn't speak or even sit up on his own might affect me negatively. Sure, I'll be all relaxed and cuddly, but I'll probably gurgle instead of speak, try to talk about bottles of formula instead of beer, I'll probably make funny faces at people rather than discuss current events.

What's that? Shiny!

Good thing this is only for a couple weeks.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Karma

There is something so satisfying about seeing one of those bitchy girls from high school working retail, 50 or so pounds heavier, and with a bad haircut.