Monday, November 23, 2009

Cannibal Canard

Amid a puppy filled evening of glee, I had a rude awakening. I sat at the table cuddling Miss B's new puppy, finding comfort in the furry ball of warmth as the tale was told.

Miss N, in a very serious voice, begins telling a story, which she warned would take a little time.

When I was living in San Antonio, a friend of mine went to this party with a male friend of hers. They were drinking and having fun and she met this guy - they hit it off. The two of them were making out all through the night, they even went into some room and, you know, hooked up. She gave him a blowjob or something. Then he said he was going home and he really wanted her to come with him. She said that she would, but she was having too much fun at the party and wanted to stay longer. He kept pushing, "Come on, come home with me, it'll be fun!" and she declined, but took his number, saying she'd call him and if they still had the same spark the next day, they would go from there. She stayed at the party, drinking and having fun, while he actually lingered past the time he declared he'd be leaving, trying again to convince her to go home with him. Now, she's sort of, you know, the type of girl who would definitely go home with a guy, but her friend she went to the party with pointed out that the guy seemed a little creepily desperate and she agreed that going home with him was a bad idea. She reiterated that she would give him a call and went home with her friend instead.
The next day, she woke up with a rash around her mouth, it was red, swollen, had pustules. She freaked out and called her doctor, they had had a cancellation and told her if she could get there in the next 15 to 20 minutes they could see her. She drove across San Antonio and arrived at the doctor, explaining the rash around her mouth. The doctor assured her it wasn't Herpes, but he didn't know what it was. He gave her a topical medication he said should, at least, lessen the swelling and bring down the rash, informing her that he would call her if he discovered what rash was ailing her.
Two days later she was at work and received a call from her doctor, his voice was urgent when he asked her to come to his office right away. She explained that she was at work and that she couldn't get there then, but offered to come in later. The doctor told her his news had precedence over work and that she should come immediately. She managed to get away from work and arrived at the doctor's office in reasonable time, where she was met not only by her doctor, but by two men in uniforms. She was frightened. The doctor explained to her that the rash she had acquired was very rare and could be contracted in one of two ways, either through the consumption of large amounts of human flesh, or through close contact with someone who has consumed large amounts of human flesh. The doctor instructed the girl to explain how she may have gotten the rash and she described the incidents of her night. The officers asked if she had any way to contact the man and she recalled that she had his phone number and provided it to the officers.
Within days, the home of the man had been located and a swat team was dispatched to the location. When they entered the home they searched and found the remains of three partially eaten bodies of women in the freezer.
So, there you go, don't be promiscuous! I was horrified. Miss N knew the girl, or knew the girls friend, something like that. She said the party had been mostly her friends. I suddenly questioned my safety - I had gone home with a guy before - what if he had been a serial killing cannibal! I clutched Nova more tightly, even wondering about past boyfriends, were they serial killing cannibals? Were they just waiting until the right time to kill me and feast on my chunky man-calves?

I finished the night at the bar and snuggled with Nova-puppy all night, thinking of cannibal killers when I would awaken to her twitch or whimper.

This morning I decided to do the smart thing and research this cannibal canard, coming up with a handful of questions sites talking about a friend's roommate's brother's girlfriend's friend, a friend of a friend, the friend of a friend of a cousin, all with a similar story about meeting a guy at a club.party and making the fateful decision to reign in those promiscuous and lusty desires, staying with friends instead of leaving with the charismatic stranger, only to find out, when a rash is diagnosed, that she has narrowly avoided a fate worse than death - death followed by dinner.

I'm a skeptic, generally, so I generally assume that all these six degrees away story tellers have been audience to the same urban legend that ruined my sleep last night and made me swear to change my liberated ways.

The only real story I saw out there was about a cannibal mother who killed her infant and ate its brains, she was suffering from psychosis, apparently. I think that is possibly more disturbing and, as in many a true story, there is no moral in sight. Sometimes life just sucks.

But right now I have a puppy to snuggle, so I won't let it get me down.

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