I woke up this morning after a restless night's sleep and wondered who I was. I felt as though I've become everything I never wanted to be and nothing I had hoped. Why this sudden wave of depressing sentiments?
I think that when you realize that one of your most important friendships is on the line because you were being selfish and clinging to some victim mentality you are forced to come to a realization.
Not everything I did was wrong, not everything stated is right, but I committed enough crimes of friendship that I had to do an awful lot of thinking about what the hell I have been doing with my life.
I was operating as the patron saint of the bar. I swooped in and took on more responsibility than required for no more pay. I swooped in because I was there to pick up what others did not, I became the face and the voice of the bar. I have been attempting to take on managerial duties as well as publicizing the bar and its events I've been planning. Through lack of management the infrastructure has become as laid back as the bar atmosphere, something which may seem appealing, but which is not a very sound business plan.
Somewhere along the line I had the praise and adoration of many but had lost the respect of one of my best friends. It started with miscommunications, many of them, it seems. Now it's time for me to regain control of my life and who I am and who I become, not just control of the bar.
It seems that, now and then, I get so caught up in ME that I forget that my actions, whether they be deliberate or careless, affect other people. The last great friendship to be affected hasn't been the same since. Here's hoping I can fix this, now that I am taking ownership of my actions.