Wednesday, March 11, 2009

I no longer have to wear night-vision goggles!

I was contemplating the phrase: "My future's so bright, I have to wear shades," and determined that for a while I was so far in the dark that a pair of night vision goggles may have been in order. I'm still not getting enough Vitamin D, but I'll manage.

I thought I was going to hear about the "grown up" job on Monday, but since I only interviewed on Friday, that did seem rather soon. Maybe I'm supposed to find out next Monday? I am not sure. Because I have to keep my own best interests in mind and I've learned that holding one's breath can sometimes lead to bad things. Like death. Instead of waiting around for a job I may not get, I accepted the position as Auction Coordinator for KTOO. This is a great opportunity, despite being only part time and not necessarily a big money job. It is working for a great organization for a good cause and with great people. Also, because it is only part time and temporary, there remain many options for my future.

Thinking about the "grown up" job made me feel a little claustrophobic, a little afraid. I'm afraid of standing still. I'm afraid that if I call this home that I am closing myself in. I'm afraid that I will be forever and always in this place which, though I love, is just one place in the whole world.

I also realized that I'm afraid of love. Or maybe it's that I don't believe in it. It sort of struck me like when I realized I didn't believe in God. It's not that there is no God - I don't know, but I realized that I don't believe. Now, it's not that I don't believe in any sort of love, I do. I believe in maternal love. I believe in friends loving friends. I believe in love and loving. Here's the problem: When I hear a love song I think it's bullshit. For some reason, I just don't have the capacity to believe that a guy can actually be capable of romantic love. What the hell happened to me? How did I get to be so messed up in the head that I involuntarily discontinued my belief in romantic love? How did I become so cynical that the idea of a man loving a woman seems about as likely as a shark deciding to go vegetarian? I'm pissed. I want to believe in love, damn it. How in hell am I supposed to cure myself of this?

And on a completely unrelated note, sometimes I have really poetic thoughts. Just a sentence at a time, though. It's kind of weird. Sometimes I wish I could take that thought, multiply it, and write a real poem. I haven't written poetry since I was 19 or 20 years old, though. I also want to be an artist, but the muses are on sabbatical.

I recently read a blog that made me really feel connected with that person, she said that she was depressed and that she was going to do something about it. That she was getting help. She described how she was feeling and it was exactly how I feel. My problem is this: I'm not going to get help, I'm going to ride it out. I'm going to keep feeling depressed until the first sunny warm day, then I will stand in the sun, praying that the UV rays will infuse me with happiness and contentment. If that doesn't work, then I may consider getting professional help. When's it gonna be sunny again, Juneau?

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