Monday, March 9, 2009

Faith, Hope, Charity

Faith(fulness):

Have you ever cheated? Have you ever been the other woman/man? If you are anything like me, either role makes you feel TERRIBLE. I haven't been in too many relationships, and none of them have really had labels of any sort. I did cheat once though and I felt awful. Awful for the guy I was dating, awful for the guy I had entangled in my messy life, and just guilty through and through. The relationship was not going to last anyway, so I guess I feel worse about the state of my relationship with the person I entangled. Things just aren't what I'd like them to be.

In terms of being the other woman, I've been her, twice. But, I was not aware. It still feels kind of bad, but I had convinced myself that I was not in the wrong and that, faced with a situation in which I knew that it was cheating, I would make the right decision. Most of me knew this to be true, that I would make the right decision, but part of me wondered. I don't necessarily have the self control of a saint, or anywhere near that, so a little part of me though that I might knowingly be the other woman. In the somewhat recent past I got the opportunity to prove to myself that I do have some semblance of self control and that I can make the right decision. A drunk friend made a couple advances and tried to kiss me, but I reminded him of his girlfriend and pushed his face away. He may not even remember any of this because I know he wouldn't really consider cheating on his girlfriend in his right mind. I have a renewed sense of faith in myself for helping someone remain faithful.

Hope:

February was a hard month for me. I was losing hope. I was sleeping longer to try to avoid eating a third meal a day because food costs money. I was working to pay the rent and my phone bill, ignoring an overdrawn bank account and bills, bills, bills. I was hiding out at home more often, but when I was out, I was drinking too much. Nothing was exciting to me anymore and I stopped caring about things that should have affected me. I was withdrawn and thinking that there wasn't much hope for me and my silly liberal arts degree and my silly art and my silly self.

March has strangely felt fresh and new - I've had opportunities arise and I am starting to feel a lot better about myself and my life and I'm feeling some renewed motivation. I know, without a doubt, that I will be more fully employed by sometime next week. Whether I am juggling a handful of part time jobs or back to the 8-5 grind doing a "grown-up" job, I will be a little better off than I have been the past couple months. While things keep getting in the way with all the errands I've been running, I am feeling pretty confident that I'll be reintroducing the gym visits to my life and losing some of this depression weight I've gained. I will be able to pay bills and take care of myself much better, and even if I have to go through all of this again in a few months, I'll be okay for at least a few months.

I really hope I get the full time "grown up" job. Bit I'll still be happy with the other opportunity(ies).

Charity:

If I don't get the grown up job, I definitely have another job, which would be coordinating the auction for KTOO, the public radio station. It's a charity auction of sorts - raising money to keep the stations going. I really like the idea of this job, it would be really helping the radio station and it would be pretty simple to do. I should know within the next couple days.

And in what would practically be charity, I might end up with an internship with a freshman state Representative. I hope my resume finally got through, but in any case, I would be an intern (read: minimal pay) with a new Democrat in the State House. It would help me keep my foot in the door for politics if I still want to be in that fickle field, and it would add a little to my income and a lot to the "keep Melissa out of trouble" activities.

Meanwhile, I am still working hard at the Bergmann and am really excited for our upcoming Moustache Party which will feature some live music from friends of mine, Little Black Raincloud Co. It's on Saturday, the 14th of March, and we already have some cheap beer on tap and will likely have more by that time.

No comments: