Tuesday, March 31, 2009
I've been in Juneau for almost two years. I once heard someone say that they had heard that you shouldn't move to Alaska when you are young unless that's where you want to spend the rest of your life. I think those were wise words. I don't know if the rest of Alaska would have captivated me in quite the same manner as Juneau has, but I want to take this post to obsess over Juneau, just a little.
Juneau has more miles of trail to hike than roads to drive. I have my choice of a number of trailheads within walking distance of my apartment, including hiking some mountains. If I travel by motor vehicle, I can hike even more trails, some on lakes, some even put me on a glacier.
Juneau has a well known theatre plus a repertory theatre, an opera troupe and lots of bands who play live shows at bars, churches, centennial hall and the arts and humanities center. I've talked about GABB and Deering and Down a bunch before. And I must have mentioned Sean Tracey and Brooke who is performing solo since the dissolution of her band. There are tons. Tons more. Not all Bluegrass and country either, we used to claim greats such as the Filejerks who still return home to visit and perform. We also have galleries and artists' co-ops and every first Friday there is a gallery walk and local shops and restaurants and bars and galleries display local artists' works. I guess the best way to see a lot of this sort of thing compiled would be to visit the Juneau Arts and Humanities Council at their website.
Juneau is the capital of Alaska, providing lots of opportunities in the fields of Politics and non-profit organizations. There generally a lot of opportunities to get involved through volunteering, internships, or job opportunities. Going to a protest on the capital steps is a short walk from my apartment. Talking to my legislator is a piece of cake. And I have worked on a political campaign, for an environmental group, and now fundraising for public broadcasting.
Juneau has a great community. I am a member of our Rotaract Club, NOW, and Juneau Democrats. Through these groups I know a lot of members of the community who have been infinitely supportive of me and my pursuits. I personally know elected officials at the National, State, and Local levels of government. I know democratic party chairs and state presidents of national organizations. I have had people help me get memberships, help me find jobs, and offer me great opportunities. Also, these people believe in me and encourage me, which is priceless.
I have great friends. I have friends who range from high school students who have done internships or who will be studying abroad where I studied abroad to friends who are well established attorneys and elected officials. I have friends who make beautiful music and friends who paint gorgeous pictures. I have friends who work hard at fisheries and mines and friends who work in restaurants and at bars. I have friends who have advanced degrees and friends who went straight into the workplace. I have friends who have lived in small subsistence communities before they came to Juneau and friends who lived in some of the most populous urban areas. I have friends who have a canoe they carved at the Smithsonian and friends who spend months at a time in Dutch Harbor where they film Deadliest Catch. I have friends I can call at any hour, who will be there when I need them, who would do whatever they could for me.
I've worn a t-shirt hiking in snow. I've witnessed someone BASE jump off a tower. I've shook hands with a US Senator. I've been complimented on my hair by a former US Vice Presidential Candidate. I've ferried to neighboring Islands. I've been on the radio, the television, and in the weekly paper. I've had drinks with elected officials. And I think Juneau is a place where I can start a wonderful life.
But, you never know, I might become obsessed with someplace else if opportunity knocks.
A long time ago I wrote a list of things I need to do before I leave Alaska. I need to work on that some more.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
We also had lots of really geeky/nerdy/fanboy/girl talk. Including discerning geek from nerd from fanboy/girl. I think it really started when I was talking about watching Repo! The Genetic Opera and mentioned that Giles was a main character. Giles was a major character in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie. Geek alert. Or fangirl alert? Only problem is, I'm not really a fangirl, I just got coerced into watching the entire series by my darling roommate. Of course, this theory of mine is less sound when one takes into account the following text messages between my roommate and me: "Yeah, giving you her blessing, it's not like they were married. Oh well, she can be strange." and "It reminded me of that one episode of Angel with the wedding and needing to eat the brains of the ex. Look what you've done to me!" and "Haha. Welcome to my world." If you can believe it, that Angel reference was straight out of my mind and into my Blackberry, total fangirl style.
So, the blessing comment - that's part of the saga of the scandal mentioned earlier. You remember, the text message, the wall post... Well, not sure this friend quite believes that Mr. Fake Lover and I aren't actually lovers because even after I said "No." she continued to talk about him, going so far as to recommend that if I am interested, I go for it, and offering her blessings. She also asked if he had called me that day - rather an improbability as we've never exchanged phone numbers. Not that my number is hard to get - pretty sure it is posted on FB for friends to access. Good thing I only friend people I know, otherwise I might get all sorts of creepers dialing these digits! So, funny thing about all of this is that now Mr. FL and I have been in contact a lot more, so maybe this is the friends strange way of trying out some matchmaking?
Saturday night I got Miss FBT to cover my shift. As I took over her Saturday shift, I felt it would be a really great idea to offer her to cover my shift, to show that I took her offer to be on-call bartender seriously, despite her tendency to be flaky. Well, you can imagine how upset I was when Mr. JB texted me at 5:30 pm - a full hour after the bar is meant to open - to tell me that there was no bartender. I hastened my primping and showed up at the bar in a bit of a huff. I was ranting as I opened the bar and was glad Mr. CJ coaxed me into taking a couple shots of whiskey. After already serving a beverage or two, filling the ice, doing some dishes, turning on the lights, counting in the register, and getting everything ready, Miss FBT rolls in like being two hours late is acceptable. My restrained response was, "Oh, hi [Miss FBT], how are you doing this evening." She has the nerve to say, "Oh, did you want to work tonight? You look like you're ready to go!" While what I wanted to say was, "NO I DO NOT WANT TO WORK TONIGHT YOU RAGING SHIT SHOW, THAT IS WHY I ASKED YOU TO WORK FOR ME. AND TELL ME, AT ANY POINT IN THE YEAR OR MORE THAT YOU WORKED HERE WAS OPEN TIME 'WHENEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT?' OR IS YOUR COMPLETE DISREGARD FOR PUNCTUALITY, COMMON COURTESY, AND RESPONSIBILITY A BIG FUCK YOU TO YOUR EMPLOYER AND YOUR BOYFRIEND'S EX?" But what came out was, "Um, no, I don't want to work. I'm out of here."
I went to the hangar to meet up with Miss J and some of her co-workers and also Mr. FL. We were all having a great time, but especially Mr. FL and I as we played up our fake relationship and contemplated the manner in which two people could copulate without being anywhere near each other. I ended up staying even after that crew left becase Miss A rolled in after a short shift at the 'Vous, already trashed. We had a drink before I walked toward the heart of downtown to attend Miss CA's summer themed birthday party. There I talked with lots of people, made a couple new friends, and ate chocolate cake and drank Sex on the Beach cocktails. I also participated in some more geek time, talking with Pat Race of Alaska Robotics about comic festivals and conventions, posting schedules, and having notable animators and artists in town. I think he had a hand in having Scott McCloud in town the first summer I was here.
The rest of the night wasn't anything terribly exciting - the usual downtown scene - full of drinking and pool playing and searching for excitement. I suppose I don't really miss being out on the weekends, except for missing out on some of the great live music. I haven't seen the Great Alaska Bluegrass Band perform in a long time. Next week I have to get Friday covered so I can see Deering and Down perform! I have the dates right, this time.
Today wasn't particularly exciting except for the fact that I bought a pair of GREEN BOOTS by Miz Mooz at Shoefly and TWO pairs of Freedom of Choice jeans from the Alaska General Store. At the usual price of $170 I wouldn't generally buy even one pair of Freedom of Choice jeans, despite their being awesome, but at the sale price of $100 and considering how difficult it is to find a good pair of jeans - I had to go ahead and drop a couple hundred on two pairs of really great jeans. That's it, though. I didn't spend any more. I have purchased nothing else. Though I'll probably have to spend about $15 to $20 to get both the jeans hemmed, since I have hobbit legs and FoC jeans were apparently made for Amazons.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Nacho was my rhetoric professor in college.
I was just thinking earlier today about how my life is sort of like a soap opera - lots of twists with new character who come and go, intrigue, scandal, and the occasional resurrection. I'm waiting for my evil twin to surface. Then I can call my mom up and ask why she never told me about Margaret. I just hope it doesn't happen like in that one episode of the Venture Brothers...
I stayed up way too late last night. Oops. Last night actually feels like a handful of nights. There was the "night" spent with Miss K and Big T at the Hangar, the "night" at the Viking, the "night" at the Alaskan, and then the rest of the "night" at the Bergmann. And that doesn't even include the day, which was eventful as well.
I woke up early by my standards (before the crack of noon is early) at 10:30 am! I started watching a ridiculous chick flick, a symptom of some horrible disorder, no doubt, and got about half way through when Miss B and Miss R showed up to collect me, my laundry, and some movies to watch. They were nice enough to let me do laundry at their house, which is a much better option than doing laundry at a laundromat or never doing laundry because the washing machine at the apartment is kaput. We had a fun, silly day hanging out and I was very productive and posted some new comments as well as scheduled some more posts. I'm proud of myself for scheduling some to post instead of doing the big blob updates as I've done in the past. I am realizing that there is a lot to learn about the interweb - this could be a full time job. But nobody's gonna pay me to play on the interweb. Though I know some of you out in blog-land do get paid for this stuff.
I went to dinner with a former co-worker, even after having quit almost a year ago, I still know the drama at the CU. Silly. I meant to leave right after this, especially since my hair looked sort of wrecked and I don't really like to be out in public when I look less than glam, but you can tell by this set up that it definitely did not happen.
I saw Miss K and Big T and ended up moving tables and sticking around. We were cheering for Villanova and Memphis, even though Mizzou kicked the crap out of them. Miss K was happy despite her bracket because that's where she went to school. The group grew ridiculously large, spanning many tables and causing a stir loudly singing "Friends in Low Places" and let me tell you, it wasn't karaoke night. Not there, anyway.
At the Viking, it was karaoke night. That's where we went next. I just had one more drink there and determined that I would call it an early night, but only after dropping in at the Alaskan for Open Mic goodness. I ended up staying at the Alaskan for at least an hour, which put me at midnight already. So much for an early night.
After spending time at the Alaskan wishing Mr. E a happy birthday and planting a nice birthday kiss on the cheek, chatting with Miss BP, and some other friends, I pledged to trek up the hill to the home bar and then go to bed. HA.
Miss M is staying at the hotel until she moves into her new place, so she, Mr. JB and I wound up staying up super late. Miss M and I stayed up later still. My blackberry's amazing ability to list the time of text messages received tells me that I was up well past my usual bedtime, the amazing text message was received at around 6am. No wonder I slept until almost 2pm today! It was already morning time when I walked home.
So, 6am, "middle of the night" for me, or so it felt, but 10am for the text messager, I receive a text message. In no ceremonious fashion, the text reads, "Are you sleeping with [guy]?" Now, I guess it's not funny unless you know me, him, and our complete lack of a relationship. We barely know each other. We've been in each other's company about, oh, two times? Three times? And always in a group and the last time was probably the first time we really even talked to each other. Now, don't think I'm making myself out to be completely angelic here, I've been known to jump into a relationship hoo-ha first on occasion, but considering text messager is thousands of miles away and he and I rarely even see each other, the question seemed to come out of left field. Far left field. And now, dear reader(s), a lesson in interweb censorship, I believe in self censorship, or at least private messages on facebook versus wall posts. On [guy]'s facebook wall (maybe it was our facebook friendship that elicited the suspicions?) there was a post from text messager at about the same time as the original text message (before I responded equally as bluntly with a "No."). The post reads something like this: "I've been replaced!!! It's okay, I'm happy with my life and the man I'm with. Hope all is well." and, while this is a paraphrasal, I did not leave out any exclamation points, I promise.
Personally, I just wish I got to have the FUN of the relationship without the relationship instead of the DRAMA of the relationship without the relationship. Or if I'm going to have the drama, I should hope I can have the fun and the actual relationship along with it.
So, that was the night of many nights that crept into the morning. Tonight I behave. And work. Tomorrow I took off so I can
Edit: Deering and Down is performing in Juneau NEXT weekend. I still have tomorrow off (assuming the bartender covering actually shows up) and I'll still be attending the birthday party. Apparently GABB is performing at the Island Pub, so I may find myself motivated to cab over there anyway.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Anyway, today I created a facebook page for my Comic Artist Persona and since I just made it, I am currently the only fan. It's not strange though, I've probably always been my #1 fan. My mom might come in close second. Or my sisters.
I have been bringing the lovely little tablet PC with me EVERYWHERE and have made some new comics, despite being sort of crazy all over the place. The TPC is annoying because it doesn't like all wifi - just the Silverbow and the 'Vous, so far. Also, now WordPress doesn't like my TPC so I've had to e-mail the image files to myself from the TPC and then get on another computer to post them. SO MUCH WORK. It would be less work if I could find my external hard drive, which actually already has at least three unposted comics from the early days with the TPC. They are in the really sketchy style with the pastel-esque coloring. Lately I've been playing with yet another style that has more punchy color and possibly a bit more depth. Of course, I am still nowhere near local heroes Pat Race with AK Robotics or Mitch Watley who is working on a sweet 80's Rock Band comic. It's ok, according to certain elementary school students, Pat is OLD! Sorry, Pat. Anyway, he's not really old. He does have way more experience than I do however!
In other news, today Junau decided to be Spring. There's a chance that it will decide to be Winter again later this evening or tomorrow, but I did make it a point to walk the extra long and completely out of the way way to work. It's lovely here when it's sunny. And even when my ears are still considering going numb, it still feels very spring-like.
Last night was kind of a slow night at work, I guess the Boozeday thing hasn't quite taken off. At the end of the night after I closed up shop, I ended up staying up with Mr. JB and Miss HL and we listened to show tunes and had a lovely time. Eventually I determined it was bedtime and went home, though I still didn't actually fall asleep until at least 4am. I just can't wake up early anymore. It's sort of tragic because I don't imagine I'll see a sunrise anytime soon, at least not at the proper end of my day.
Also, Miss HS and Mr. MS had a baby today! He was 8 lbs. 4 oz. and was born the DAY BEFORE my day in the pool. Also nearly a full pound heavier than my weight in the pool. Oh well. Glad she didn't have to hold out any longer!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
All anyone hears from me lately is something like, "Blah blah blah, my life is boring, blah blah blah." It's felt kind of boring. I felt entitled to whine a little about the relative lack of pizazz in my life.
Today though. Today was a pretty good day, I'd say. Or maybe it just seems that way after a long night spent watching sappy chick flicks and playing solitaire because I left my stylus for the tablet PC at the Bergmann. Oops.
Today I applied for my PFD. That's right, folks, I will be receiving a dividend, probably around $2000, for living in Alaska. I dropped off the signature page and took in my passport, my application has officially been received. When I was filling out the application online, I made it a point to donate a portion of my dividend. I chose four local charities to donate $25 each, totalling $100. I know, $100 isn't that much, but that money is going to go toward paying off some major debt! I donated to Coastalaska (public broadcasting), AWARE (women's shelter), Perseverence Theatre, and I think my fourth one United Way of Southeast Alaska. It's a small donation, but I do what I can. More information can be found at pickclickgive.org.
I also got a phone call from a "Big D" asking if I would be willing to help out at the Jefferson-Jackson Dinner with my man Mark B for a comp ticket. Heck yes, was my answer. OK, it was more like, "Of course, I'd love to help out! You can count on me!" but 'heck yes' was what I thought. It looks like I'll be selling some tickets and doing raffle stuff during the cocktail hour. It'll be good to see and be seen in this realm again. Although I've whined that politics is too fickle, I haven't given up hope yet.
After taking care of the PFD business and dropping off a check at the bank, I decided to head over to Paradise Cafe, one of my favorite places to grab a bite to eat, though it's been ages since I've been there. I had thought about it yesterday and determined that I ought to drop in and say hi to Mr. C, since he may be the nicest person I know, plus I can grab a delicious baked item or something equally wonderful. While walking there, I began reminiscing about Deering and Down being in town last summer, playing at least once a week, and how I had the best time dancing and how I ought to listen to their CDs when I get home.
When I arrived at Paradise Cafe this afternoon, the first faces I saw were those belonging to the famous Miss Deering and Rev. Down! Not only that, Ms. Deering and Mr. C were there as well. Deering and Down had just made it to town last night, though they had been flying into Anchorage. Because of Mt. Redoubt erupting, they had been rerouted to lovely Juneau (to the dismay of all the people who really wanted to go to A-Town) and so, I got to see them! After some hugging and how-are-yous, we talked about what was new. Looks like the duo are going to be in a MOVIE called The Romance of Loneliness and they are expecting to have a new album out in April or May!
I spent a solid hour hanging out and catching up with those two, checking out the movie website, and eating some delicious soup. Eventually, I had to drag myself away because, well, I have a job. And even if I make my own hours, I've got to get stuff done.
This evening I work at the Bergmann again - I am hoping to get a decent crowd of people in, between a group of legislative aides working on skits and a hopeful poker game... Wish me luck!
Oh, and funny anecdote of the day: As I was headed to Paradise Cafe, I recognized in front of me an acquaintance of sorts. He and his wife are super nice people that I met while I was working at the credit union. And, not like I was checking out his butt or anything, but I did notice the sort of sticker you find on a new pair of jeans on the back of his leg. Knowing that I'd appreciate having something like this pointed out, I tapped him on the shoulder and after a moment of salutations I mentioned the sticker on the back of the pants. Seriously, telling a married father that he's got a sticker on the back of his jeans is a sort of awkward conversation starter. Luckily we are on good terms and the conversation turned to other things.
Monday, March 23, 2009
- "When a guy stands you up" - OUCH! Someone from the interweb knows my dating life is pathetic now.
- "A great scary place for a 10 year old to have a party" - Yeah, that would be my place? Hell, right now my apartment is a scary place for anyone to have a party - or live - cockroaches included.
- "Fate of Morton Salt" - Um. What is the fate of Morton Salt? Who cares?
- "I notice you noticing me and I wan" - You wan. You wanna? You wanna what? Am I supposed to know the answer?
- "Scary binge drinking stories" - I like to think of mine as funny cautionary tales, not scary. Maybe I should change the title of my blog.
- "Sleep make hangover worse" - Who gave a caveman beer? This seems like some sort of ethics violation. PETA? PETC?
- "What does "just gonna go with it" mean?" - Do we have to break it down for you? I'm guessing this person is over analyzing a situation - the proper use of punctuation leads me to believe this isn't an ESL question.
- "Slowgun of unhealthy food" - I can't even come up with something witty for this one. What? Does anyone know what this means?
So, if anyone tries these exact keywords again, they will just find themselves mocked.
On Saturday I worked as well - as usual - and while I had been hoping, against my best interests, for a slow night, fate had other plans. I knew it would be an interesting night when some of the first customers included a clown, a hobbit, and a toddler. There was a birthday party going on and it brought in a great crowd. I think it sounds silly, but I had been hoping to get members of the bluegrass/country community in the bar for a long time. Wish granted. Also, I wanted to note that the birthday "boy" who turned 41 that day appeared to me to be a very happy person. He looked young and you could see that smiles were not uncommon on his lips. I hope that when I'm 41, if I have some wrinkles, that they are all the smiling kind.
Friday I didn't work, I took the night off to attend Miss R's rockstar themed birthday party. In all honesty, I didn't see much of her that night (though I did spend some time with her early Saturday evening, along with Miss K) but I did spend a lot of quality time with Miss A. I had fun, even though I probably drank a little too much. One thing that struck me that evening was that I got a cold shoulder from some people I had really wanted to call friends. I guess not everyone you open up to will respond with open arms. Boo.
Thursday night was a night out as well. I think that means that Monday is a stay home night! I was hopping back and forth between the 'Vous and the Alaskan. Another night when I maybe drank too much. I'm not liking this pattern. I was discussing with Miss K the concept of the tall versus double in the world of drinking. She and I both enjoy a nice vodka-soda and tend to order a single shot in a pint glass - a tall. What we inevitably get, being friends with all the bartenders, is a double. And if I were feeling crazy and asked for a double? More likely a triple. The sentiment is appreciated, "I like you, have some more booze," the result is sometimes troublesome. Trying to count "drinks" when you aren't sure how many "drinks" you are actually consuming can lead to some interesting nights - or so I assume, since I have a not so clear recollection.
I've been informed that I've been made a star again. My friend Mr. J has taken interest in my political involvement in the past and asked me to be part of a commercial for Southeast's progressive talk radio station, and this time my sign is featured prominently in a segment about the protest. A rather terrible photo of me was also featured on the regional weekly's website. Just remember, the camera adds ten pounds. And an extra chin. And maybe also some unsightly blemishes. Reading the mudflats blog, I discovered that an Anchorage Protest featured some equally creative and equally pointed signage.
Looking back on all this, I suppose my life isn't horribly, boringly ordinary. I guess sometimes I don't appreciate stuff enough. Hmmm.
Friday, March 20, 2009
I had lots of photos taken of me and the sign, lots of people complimenting me on my artwork (and she's rejecting funding for the arts!), lots of thumbs up, and when I was running (I was a few minutes late) I had two nice ladies stop and give me a ride the last hundred yards or so.
Sarah Palin actually came out and spoke to the group, a lot of blabbing about why she was rejecting money that would be good for our state. Even the most fiscally conservative State Congressmen are working to build legislation to accept the money that Palin is rejecting.
She wore red.
Some friends of mine had good signs as well. Most notable was Mr. MM's sign - a for sale sign which read: FOR SALE BY PALIN: OUR FUTURE.
Too bad I don't look nicer in this picture - I woke up hungover at 11am and went to work on the sign, neglecting my usual preening for the sake of art and politics.
There was another protest directly after - they didn't claim me or my poster. It wasn't really applicable, though I sort of believe that this particular poster is applicable every single day of her time in office.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
After waking up and drinking day old water and flipping on Venture Brothers, I decide to call back the office and check on the status of my application and interview. "Well, we have some people who are ready for second interviews, so if none of those work out, we'll call you."
I flipped Venture Brothers back on and yawned. This wasn't the job I wanted. The two good things about this job were (a) the organizations status as a non-profit and (b) the proximity to the gym, which would hopefully get me there more often. I didn't really want the job. I wouldn't want to stay at the job. I even know someone else who told me she'd probably be getting the job and she probably needs it and deserves it more than I do. So, oh well.
I still haven't heard from the "grown up" job. What I learned last time was that no news is bad news. I haven't bothered calling yet to ask about it.
It's all sort of a relief in some way. Fickle me, commitment-phobic me, I fear taking a job that means that I'm sticking around.
I also hate the idea of working a job that doesn't look likely to provide upward mobility. I also hate the idea of working in an office with someone whose opinion of me is questionable. I also hate the idea of working a job that seems utterly uninteresting.
That's what politics has. Excitement. Things are always dynamic. Law has more an element of this too. There are always problems to solve. Challenges to face. It's a huge frustration that my degree seems to leave me with such disappointing options. Someone out there has got to take a chance on me.
While I may not be wallowing in success in the professional world, I have done pretty well in the world of drink mixing and beer pouring. Between the Moustache Party and St. Patrick's Day, I doubled the amount of money in my bank account (which is still not all that much) and left some cash in my pocket. Looks like I get to pay some bills this month! Lucky me?
Speaking of bill paying, I think I mentioned how happy I was to leave Planned Parenthood with my wallet no lighter. Did I also mention that my gynecologist refused to say the word VAGINA? Even as she poked and prodded around my vagina, she insisted on calling it my "bottom." It's enough to make a girl uneasy. Don't you want your doctor using the proper scientific terminology? It's like going under the knife and having your doctor talking about your brain as your noodle. "Now, I'm just going to make an incision right here on yer' noodle - don't wiggle!" Oh dear. Luckily it was just a routine checkup and there was nothing difficult to deal with. Just your regular old, "congratulations, you are just fine!"
Well, I guess I'm off to pay some bills and then to grab my tablet PC to post some comics! Excited?
Friday, March 13, 2009
Did you know I was an artist? Did you know that I did more than draw crappy comics? Did you know that I used to dream of being an artist as a profession, that until my senior year of high school I had every intention of going to art school? That I took every art class available to me and did independent study periods? That I have used media from clay to pencil to paint aside from digital?
Well, don't feel bad if you didn't know. I haven't in kind of a long time. I mean, I've tried, but my muse was all doped up on a street corner shivering or crouching in a cave, miles away from any sentient being. My muse dropped by. My muse isn't a person or anything, it is just a sense that I can create something beautiful.
After watching White Oleander and HATING IT after having read the novel for the second time, I decide that I'd paint. I popped Lola Rennt into the VCR (yeah, that's right!) for unobtrusive background noise and took a 3ft by 3ft piece of wood and gessoed the hell out of it. I took my acrylics I had bought some months ago and never used and I started to paint. I tried painting a few different things before I, exasperated, thought to myself (in German, for some reason?) "Wer bin ich aber mich?" or 'Who am I but me?" and I immediately laid the groundwork for the painting I am so happy to have produced. It's me. It's my style. It's going to be the first of many, I hope. I am thinking of doing a whole series and hoping to get a First Friday Gallery Walk spot someday. I think it's good enough. Plus, I know people.
I went and saw the Watchmen. Now, I just watched White Oleander and was horribly upset with some of the ommissions and changes. But the Watchmen, the ommissions and minor changes did not take away from the overall message or the story telling. Some of the ommissions and therefore the changes were absolutely necessary for the film medium. All this being said, I was really happy with it and might even consider seeing it for a second time in theater, something I NEVER do.
I've been productive lately. It's nice. Sometimes I feel no motivation to get up and get moving and get my life in order. I think it was a matter of channeling the negative energy and depression into something positive - painting - so that I could get out of that funk and be a functioning person again. Thank goodness. Now I just need to get more big pieces of wood to paint. I even took the suggestion of that mean fortune cookie and went to the gym.
So, here's the one aspect of my life that still depresses me: my love life. I bared my soul a little talking about how cynical I am about love, but I don't want to be that way. I've seen a lot in my life that would push me to this attitude, but I have seen a lot that would make me sad and depressed and cynical about a lot of other stuff, yet I remain optimistic. I think that I need to make peace with Mr. HL - that I need to turn our "smile and wave" relationship into a real platonic friendship - or at the very least, I need to believe that he respects me as a person and doesn't think of me as just some chick he fooled around with a couple times. I think I need to call Mr. CN and tell him that I owe him a date, which I do, and that if he'll be patient I'll make it a good one. I need to stop dreaming about the douchebags who strike my fancy. I need to stop falling for people who leave, people who don't care, people who don't fulfill my needs, people who don't treat me with respect, people who use, people who abuse, people who think all I deserve is a smile and a wave when all is said and done.
Speaking of people who leave. There is a particular person who is in town this weekend. I am waiting with bated breath. I shouldn't. I should just pretend he isn't here at all since he's only here for a weekend, just like last time, and before that it was only a summer. I should concentrate on me, my art, and coming up with some sweet prizes for the moustache competition tomorrow. But I'm thinking of him. Man, I'm a hypocrite!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
I thought I was going to hear about the "grown up" job on Monday, but since I only interviewed on Friday, that did seem rather soon. Maybe I'm supposed to find out next Monday? I am not sure. Because I have to keep my own best interests in mind and I've learned that holding one's breath can sometimes lead to bad things. Like death. Instead of waiting around for a job I may not get, I accepted the position as Auction Coordinator for KTOO. This is a great opportunity, despite being only part time and not necessarily a big money job. It is working for a great organization for a good cause and with great people. Also, because it is only part time and temporary, there remain many options for my future.
Thinking about the "grown up" job made me feel a little claustrophobic, a little afraid. I'm afraid of standing still. I'm afraid that if I call this home that I am closing myself in. I'm afraid that I will be forever and always in this place which, though I love, is just one place in the whole world.
I also realized that I'm afraid of love. Or maybe it's that I don't believe in it. It sort of struck me like when I realized I didn't believe in God. It's not that there is no God - I don't know, but I realized that I don't believe. Now, it's not that I don't believe in any sort of love, I do. I believe in maternal love. I believe in friends loving friends. I believe in love and loving. Here's the problem: When I hear a love song I think it's bullshit. For some reason, I just don't have the capacity to believe that a guy can actually be capable of romantic love. What the hell happened to me? How did I get to be so messed up in the head that I involuntarily discontinued my belief in romantic love? How did I become so cynical that the idea of a man loving a woman seems about as likely as a shark deciding to go vegetarian? I'm pissed. I want to believe in love, damn it. How in hell am I supposed to cure myself of this?
And on a completely unrelated note, sometimes I have really poetic thoughts. Just a sentence at a time, though. It's kind of weird. Sometimes I wish I could take that thought, multiply it, and write a real poem. I haven't written poetry since I was 19 or 20 years old, though. I also want to be an artist, but the muses are on sabbatical.
I recently read a blog that made me really feel connected with that person, she said that she was depressed and that she was going to do something about it. That she was getting help. She described how she was feeling and it was exactly how I feel. My problem is this: I'm not going to get help, I'm going to ride it out. I'm going to keep feeling depressed until the first sunny warm day, then I will stand in the sun, praying that the UV rays will infuse me with happiness and contentment. If that doesn't work, then I may consider getting professional help. When's it gonna be sunny again, Juneau?
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Miss A trilled, "Your fortune cookie called you fat!"
I looked at the cookie. I looked at the fortune. I threw the cookie. It hit the bottles behind the bar and fell to the ground. Mr. JF looked at me, wide eyed.
"My cookie called me fat."
So, anyway, when even my fortune cookies are calling me fat, it looks like it's about time to make some improvements. What better way to improve one's health than to drink copious amounts of alcohol, right?
So, that's what I did. Don't worry. Not because I was upset - that's got to be the funniest fortune EVER - but because I was out with friends and that's what we do. I guess.
Miss C is leaving town soon, so we had to get in some fun times. In any case, I was hanging out at the Rendezvous, aside from a brief tour of bars looking for the elusive Miss EF who worked on the Begich campaign on the Kenai. I never found her. I realized too late that I didn't have her number. Oops.
At some point I texted Mr. HL hoping to get her number from him. No luck. Our relationship has been reduced to awkward small talk and obligatory waves. Funny story about how small this world is: He's her roommate back in A-town. Ha. Ha. Ha.
I had run into Miss EF at the Silverbow during the day and declared that we should go out. I would have texted Mr. CL from the campaign had it not been 2 in the morning when I was desperately seeking her phone number. Oh well.
Anyway, after Miss C and Miss A left, I headed up the hill to the Bergmann and joined Miss J, Miss M, Mr. Boss, and co. We continued to drink, listen to music, dance, and have fun until the wee hours of the morning. I think things went on until I managed to puke. Ew.
The funny thing about puking is this: I puked in my pint glass. Yup. In my pint glass. I was trying to keep it neat. That worked until I puked too much. Again with the drinking too much and doing stupid things. Maybe I should change the name of my blog to "Tales of Melissa Drinking Too Much and Doing Really Stupid Things." Anyway, I have learned a very expensive lesson, I think. Today when I tried to turn on the iPod, it didn't work. Oh shit. Probably the most expensive thing I own aside from my dead-alive laptop, it has joined the ranks of the dysfunctional or completely not functioning.
Miss J and I went home after this incident. We grabbed crackers and cheese and sat on Miss J's bed and talked about stuff until 6 in the morning, when I didn't have the energy to make it to my own bed, so I slept there.
Today was a terrible day. I had a splitting headache and felt nauseated all day. Ick. But now I feel fine, so of course my vow to never drink again is a big fat lie.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Have you ever cheated? Have you ever been the other woman/man? If you are anything like me, either role makes you feel TERRIBLE. I haven't been in too many relationships, and none of them have really had labels of any sort. I did cheat once though and I felt awful. Awful for the guy I was dating, awful for the guy I had entangled in my messy life, and just guilty through and through. The relationship was not going to last anyway, so I guess I feel worse about the state of my relationship with the person I entangled. Things just aren't what I'd like them to be.
In terms of being the other woman, I've been her, twice. But, I was not aware. It still feels kind of bad, but I had convinced myself that I was not in the wrong and that, faced with a situation in which I knew that it was cheating, I would make the right decision. Most of me knew this to be true, that I would make the right decision, but part of me wondered. I don't necessarily have the self control of a saint, or anywhere near that, so a little part of me though that I might knowingly be the other woman. In the somewhat recent past I got the opportunity to prove to myself that I do have some semblance of self control and that I can make the right decision. A drunk friend made a couple advances and tried to kiss me, but I reminded him of his girlfriend and pushed his face away. He may not even remember any of this because I know he wouldn't really consider cheating on his girlfriend in his right mind. I have a renewed sense of faith in myself for helping someone remain faithful.
February was a hard month for me. I was losing hope. I was sleeping longer to try to avoid eating a third meal a day because food costs money. I was working to pay the rent and my phone bill, ignoring an overdrawn bank account and bills, bills, bills. I was hiding out at home more often, but when I was out, I was drinking too much. Nothing was exciting to me anymore and I stopped caring about things that should have affected me. I was withdrawn and thinking that there wasn't much hope for me and my silly liberal arts degree and my silly art and my silly self.
March has strangely felt fresh and new - I've had opportunities arise and I am starting to feel a lot better about myself and my life and I'm feeling some renewed motivation. I know, without a doubt, that I will be more fully employed by sometime next week. Whether I am juggling a handful of part time jobs or back to the 8-5 grind doing a "grown-up" job, I will be a little better off than I have been the past couple months. While things keep getting in the way with all the errands I've been running, I am feeling pretty confident that I'll be reintroducing the gym visits to my life and losing some of this depression weight I've gained. I will be able to pay bills and take care of myself much better, and even if I have to go through all of this again in a few months, I'll be okay for at least a few months.
I really hope I get the full time "grown up" job. Bit I'll still be happy with the other opportunity(ies).
If I don't get the grown up job, I definitely have another job, which would be coordinating the auction for KTOO, the public radio station. It's a charity auction of sorts - raising money to keep the stations going. I really like the idea of this job, it would be really helping the radio station and it would be pretty simple to do. I should know within the next couple days.
And in what would practically be charity, I might end up with an internship with a freshman state Representative. I hope my resume finally got through, but in any case, I would be an intern (read: minimal pay) with a new Democrat in the State House. It would help me keep my foot in the door for politics if I still want to be in that fickle field, and it would add a little to my income and a lot to the "keep Melissa out of trouble" activities.
Meanwhile, I am still working hard at the Bergmann and am really excited for our upcoming Moustache Party which will feature some live music from friends of mine, Little Black Raincloud Co. It's on Saturday, the 14th of March, and we already have some cheap beer on tap and will likely have more by that time.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Today I have a job interview. Next week I expect to have an interview or two. It's kind of nice, but rather stressful at the same time. One or two interviews are for "grown up" jobs - jobs that aren't temporary or part time or worthless in the long run. One or two are for temporary transition type jobs, the type that leave the future wide open. I think it is time for me to stop floating, I'm tired of struggling. Living as a starving artist is poetic and all, and maybe it gives me something to write about, cultivates inspiration, but it is rough. It's also sort of jumbling to be doing just fine for a month or two, followed by a month or so of living on the edge of poverty - wondering if I can pay rent, knowing that I can't pay all my bills... Sigh. If I had meant to be a starving artist, I never would have spent 4 years and thousands upon thousands of dollars on a god damn college degree.
I also attended no fewer than three meetings in two days - for different organizations. I've managed to be quite involved, despite being (one of) the youngest member(s) in each group. I am working on recruitment for one group. For another group, I am not doing much of anything, but I've talked about it before, how it sometimes feels like walking on shards of glass or some such unpleasant metaphor. The other group is great too, and while I am not quite as involved, it does provide me with a lot of wonderful connections and it makes the future look bright.
Last night I had drinks and dinner with some Big D's. One of the things that makes me feel like Juneau is really where I belong is how supportive people are here. People who are older and better off than poor little me are always willing to make some small gesture, pay for a drink or dinner, pay for a membership to an organization, whatever. It makes me really feel great when people look out for me. It shows that people recognize some potential in me.
Another nice thing about the Morton Salt Syndrome is that two of the interviews I have coming up were not interviews I sought out. I had a friend get my phone number and call me to tell me about a job she thought I might do well with - especially for someone I don't know all that well, I was really happy to be thought of. The other situation, I had gone back to my old job to pick up a W2 form and decided to go say hello to the former co-workers who were in the office. One of them told his girlfriend/fiancee that I was just tending bar, so when I ran into her on my way to a meeting, she asked me to send in a resume for an internship.
It sounds silly, but with the way things have been going, I really needed to see this sort of display of faith in my abilities and my potential. All that rejection hurt, but I can see a silver lining now, perhaps it's all just fate, perhaps I'm just floating until the right job can find me.
One lazy day, Miss J and I went to the grocery store to buy toilet paper and some other random things. I was wearing my glasses, which are increasingly less effective, since they haven't been updated in about two years... I was running around and saw a wave out of the corner of my eye, I turned and waved back, smiling. Not entirely sure who it was, but judging by the basic shapes and colors, I decided it was Mr. HL. Our relationship now consists entirely of short lived and awkward conversations and waves from a distance. In any case, I darted into some aisle or another to get something and then back out into the main aisle to see the mystery waver who I decided was Mr. HL holding hands with what appeared to be a girl - based on shapes and colors, again. My heart dropped a little and I told Miss J about it in the car. She didn't actually think it was him and thought it was funny that I didn't actually know but determined it was. Actually, this anecdote isn't at all funny. It's sort of depressing. Well - there you go.
Actual funny anecdote for the road:
Miss J and I were sitting around watching a nerdy TV series on DVD when Miss J declares that she thinks she has a bone spur on her foot. I look at her foot and admit that I don't even know what a bone spur is. She looks at her foot and responds that she doesn't really know either. Then we start laughing hysterically. Was that funny? I think I might just be boring right now.
And here is something that makes me amazingly happy whenever I see it:
Meet Oceana's March calendar feature:
Is this not one of the greatest things EVER?
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Here are the mysteries solved:
Quotes on Communication:
Me: Well, it sounds like you try to communicate verbally and he tries to communicate physically. Maybe you should talk to his penis - (with motions to match:) like a microphone - hi, [dude], can you hear me?
Miss P: Well, what's the middle ground between physical and verbal communication?
Me: Sign language?
Quotes on relationships:
Me: [The boss] and I are in almost constant contact.
Ex: ('Cause yeah, he stopped by) Sounds like you guys are dating.
Me: Umm, no. There are some things lacking.
Ex: (Describes how that is like dating).
Me: Well then I have the worst luck in dating of anyone I've ever met.
On setting goals and deadlines and not appreciating the journey:
Me: Once upon a time, there was a girl named [Miss P]. She lived happily ever after. That's a shitty story!
On appreciating the journey:
Me: So, when I do really stupid stuff or when I fail at something, I think to myself: This is fodder for memoirs! Then I blog about it and laugh.