Saturday, December 27, 2008

Letting Time Pass You By

Maybe it isn't awkward because it is comfortable. Maybe it is comfortable because it is typical. Maybe the problem is that it was never good enough before.

I have never had the greatest relationship with my bio-dad. Obviously, right? It's been a solid five years since I saw him, a solid ten since I went to visit. Here I am, age 23, with a lot of living under my belt since the last reunion. Still, he is sitting around watching sports. I don't think he's said more than 20 words to me since I've been here. Not that I've said a ton to him, but I hope we don't both feel we've done our part.

I gave up a grudge, he doled out several hundred dollars. Where does that leave us? The same place we've ever been. With no relationship. Meanwhile, I've bonded with my half-siblings and my step-mom, plus relatives of my step-mom.

Still, there is a part of my that wants to walk up to him and say, "So? Haven't you got anything to ask me? Anything to say to me? Any paternal advice to pass on? Anything you'd like to know?"

I've never been particularly good at communicating with men, I've always related to other women much better. Most of my relationships with men have had a lot to do with being attracted to each other - not the type of tender, touching, father-daughter relationship that is supposed to happen here or with my step-dad. Apparently neither of us know how to address this non-existent relationship, so as the days go by, I still don't feel I've necessarily gotten that much out of the trip in terms of familial relations.

Maybe that's it. Maybe this is all we'll ever have. Maybe being able to occupy the same space is the most we can ever hope for.

2 comments: said...

If it's of any small comfort, and I'm guessing it won't be...I see my dad every half-year, we have what most would consider a normal father-daughter relationship, and yet it's the same thing. A few words here and there. No big questions asked aside from "What are you into eating these days?" not much out of personal interest but so he can feed me while we visit. Sometimes, there's just such a divide between daddy and daughter that anything more than a vague awareness of shared chromosomes is asking for a miracle. Dad's got his image of you from childhood, and that never changes for him - no need to ask if you've grown up a little, if you've developed new interests or philosophies, because no matter what happens he will still not ever "get" you. No matter how close you can be. My dad bought me barbies until I was 23. If he knew me, he would have known better. But that's just me and my dad... Maybe somewhere out there in the vast universe, a father and daughter are able to share some super awesome bond, or even a genuine interest in one another.

Myron Davis said...

I have to say... I think you do pretty good at communicating with men.

At least with me you have... for whatever that is worth!