Sunday, November 16, 2008

The ups and downs of small town life...

Juneau has an amazing community. There are plenty of good people who are more than willing to help people out, to offer a shoulder to cry on, to offer advice or whatever. It's fantastic. Everywhere you go, you see people you know. Sometimes congregations of acquaintances will form in the most odd places and you never feel alone.

The problem is that you are always seen. There is no way to keep a secret in this town. I've learned from experiences of my own and of my friends that trying to keep something on the down low is probably the worst idea ever. The dating pool is nearly incestuous. The concept of being anonymous is not an option.

I guess that is the price we pay.

I am contemplating Juneau because, today, I received a phone call from a State Rep from the 'Banks. He is doing some preliminary phone calls looking for a full time, year round staffer. That would involve moving to the 'Banks though. I said that it is something I might consider, but then started preemptively missing Juneau. After chatting with a friend who went to UAF, I realized that I didn't want to leave Juneau or a town I would like less, regardless of the job opportunity. If I'm going to leave Juneau, it will be for a city like NYC or DC or Chicago. It'll be for a foreign country. It'll be for a better job opportunity. It'll be for more important reasons. I guess that means that I am in Juneau until I come up with something amazing. So if something amazing doesn't come along, it looks like I may be joining the ranks of those who fall in love with this town and never leave.

I almost had a real date with Mr. CPP. It took us about 20 text messages to get to: Bond movie at 7pm. Then he canceled. His reason is solid and respectable. I think we're going to re-schedule.

I've been trying to keep the drama out of this (and even doing that, it is still a fairly dramatic blog) but I think it is often what makes my life interesting enough to read about, so here goes...

Mr. CPP and I are not in a relationship. We have not said anything about being exclusive. Nothing about commitment. Therefore, we are both free to do as we please with whomever we please. The thing is, when Miss A had an after party at her home (where the girl formerly referred to as Shrek resides) I wondered if he might sleep with someone else, and it bothered me. I considered asking Miss A or even asking him, but realized it wasn't my business because we are not exclusive or committed. I don't think anything happened with anyone, but it was the potential emotions that are important.

Last night, a former flirt returned to town. Since we met, we had always flirted and there is a definite tension. Mr. CPP and I had been trying to get together for a couple days and continued to fail at that. So this guy shows up and the tension was still there. We talk, we flirt, and then we make out. In a hallway because we're apparently trying to be inconspicuous, because we don't want people to know. I'm sure we were not inconspicuous. I am sure that the people who were there were very aware that we had sneaked off to make out. Twice. And when I left that night, I made it a few blocks before he had caught up with me, and he walked me home and we made out some more, in my entry way. Then we parted ways.

Then I realized that I wanted Mr. CPP to be there. Then I felt guilty. I felt paranoid. I felt pretty bad. I had fun, but then there were all these stupid emotions. So, technically I've done nothing wrong, yet my conscience has gone into overdrive. I think that this means that I need to talk to Mr. CPP. Communication in "relationships" has never been my strong point. Hence the reason why I've never even been in a "relationship" that ever had any labels.

Well, folks, should I take the step? Should I have a talk with Mr. CPP? Should I get over my silly fear of talking about things and potentially risk messing this all up (because that is a genuine fear of mine)?

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