It's getting dark early. The world is quiet. I'm sitting in a cafe, sipping on iced tea and catching up on e-mails and networkking and, yes, blogging. Thursday was the last day I graced the internet with my presence and my e-mail inbox was proof. Today I had a full page of unread e-mails, many of which I didn't feel much inclined to read.
I did not receive a response to my post quitting explanation/resignation letter. I hope to get a response soon. If I receive none, I'll be pretty disappointed with the campaign's "middle management" level.
Thursday night I sat alone in the back of the Alaskan, listening to Little Black Raincloud Co. and sipping on $2.50 pints of raspberry beer. I looked pretty emo sitting in the back, listening to emo, wearing my grey striped elbow length gloves and my red plastic framed hipster glasses. My attention to the music was only interrupted by vibrations from my cell phone with each text message received from Mr. CPP. He joined me eventually and we sat in the back together, wearing black, listening to emo, and making fun of each other. He left a little earlier than me and we hugged goodbye before I was assaulted with unsolicited advice. Miss P, whom I love, told me I should "dump Mr. CPP and go for Mr. WM" with whom I had been discussing politics for a few minutes. I brushed it off and went home.
Friday I slept in late. I went about town and did things I wanted to do and made plans with Miss C for dinner. I watched movies and relaxed and went to dinner at the Hangar. After dinner we went out to the bars to see what was going on. LBRC Co. was playing again, but the slow renditions of Elliot Smith or Modest Mouse songs along with originals just wasn't right for my mood. We tried the Imp but discovered that even that hotbed of lust and lacivity was nearly empty. Finally we ended up at the 'Vous, where Salsa Borealis was performing. Miss C and I danced some and sipped on water. We talked about being asked to dance or asking people to dance and I realized that I was reminded that I am much more forward than some of my friends. I have been known to drag men onto the dance floor and push people together in some of my more confident fits of drunken fabulousness. Miss C is always more reserved and seemed disappointed that getting asked to dance was not as common as a woman would hope. Near midnight Miss C announced her departure and I opted to get a ride up the hill and go home myself to watch a movie.
I told Miss B that Miss P doesn't approve of my ties to Mr. CPP and she said she agreed. She told me that she thought I deserved better. It's got me really questioning myself here.
Saturday I spent the day with Miss A. We decorated for her party, worked on our costumes, got ready and went to dinner. Of course, there are details which make this exciting. One of these details is that the character known previously as Shrek but who will now be given a more respectful name in personal attempt to be less catty. So, Miss OC is Miss A's roommate and part of my evening was spent at Miss A's place working on costumes. Miss OC came home at some point and upon seeing me basically refused to look at me for the rest of the time, while I did my best to just seem terribly busy with my costume. Miss A and I finished getting ready at my apartment, but that still left dinner. Miss A and I arrived late and there were two seats left. Neither seat would accomodate Miss A's hoop skirt, so she requested that Miss OC switch her seats, which would put Miss OC right next to me. One could feel the resistance, but after all, it was Miss A's birthday celebration, and even had she really tried, she may not have been able to fit that hoop skirt in that space. For the most part, our civil behavior consisted of not really speaking to each other. I made a conscious effort to make conversation at our end of the table that would include her, an effort to speak directly to her, and to make eye contact with her. I did my best, but I don't feel like I have to apologize or make any greater effort. Once we headed to the 'Vous, things were more relaxed. Some did not come straight there and others joined us.
At the party, I was mildly disappointed that Mr. CPP had earlier announced his intent to avoid going out, but also relieved that it might alleviate some of the tension between Miss OC and me. Mr. CPP actually did show up though, along with Mr. HS and Mr. HJ. I found myself sitting right between Mr. HS and Mr. CPP, chatting with people and having a good time, despite all the tensions that seem to arise from all of the friendships, relationships, and ties in this particular group. Miss OC did show up at some point, but her stay was brief, perhaps because of the presence of these people and me. Keyword being me. At the end of the night, Miss A invited everyone to continue the party at her place in the valley, but I decided to stay home downtown. Everyone else headed out to the valley, and I walked home thinking about the doubts that had been planted in my head by Miss P and Miss B.
I know what I don't want to happen, but wonder if I have any right to want this. I know what I would do if this were to happen, but would I seem like some crazy bitch? It got me to thinking I should talk to him. But talking just seems to make things seem so serious. This is why I am terrible with relationships - I see communication as scary and serious even though it could alleviate so much stress.
So, blog world, give me advice:
If you know me and Mr. CPP do you approve?
For anyone else, how much weight should friends' opinions play in deciding if someone is worth dating (even casually)?
Does talking about expectations take things to another more serious level? Can you discuss expectations while keeping things casual?
Do you think I should give up dating since I suck so much at it?
That being said, the day is still and beautiful and I em enjoying some solitude and introverted pondering.