Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Climbing

In the earlier post, I had initially planned to write a bit about my nature and be a little introspective. I got pretty carried away with all the good news but remembered at the end what was going on in my mind.

In the past week I've been feeling fairly introspective and even introverted. Usually I am a bit of a social butterfly, but in the past week I've spent a lot of time alone, a lot of time thinking, a lot of time contemplating life and myself. I've also spent a lot of time watching movies and reading history for fun.

I find that in many things I am doing, with many people I date or find myself involved with, and in many places - I find myself to be daydreaming or actively seeking something more.

I have by no means reached my full potential, so it is not that I would expect myself to quit striving for more, it is more that - well - I feel rather dissatisfied or discontent much of the time. It is something that motivates me, surely, but is it any way to live?

Is it fair to anyone that while I am working, I am dreaming of another job? Perhaps surfing the classified ads for something different and better, something more exciting and more challenging, something less boring or more relevant.

Is it fair to the people I date that I still check out other guys, contemplate them as partners, and even still flirt?

Is it fair to friends, roommates, or employers that I am always dreaming of being somewhere else? That I have started applications for a Fulbright Grant, the Peace Corps, and that I sometimes just want to run off to New York City or Chicago or DC or Germany?

My head is full of ideas and dreams and wanting more and it is fairly overwhelming. What do I want? How will I achieve it? Will I ever be content?

I keep climbing and climbing and I keep wanting to climb higher... As I've said, I have not reached my full potential, not even half that, but when I do, will I still want more?

Survey of readers:

Do you feel as I do? Do you feel content? How does the future make you feel?

2 comments:

Ashley said...

This post reminds me of a realization I had when I came home for Christmas after my first year of grad school. I had been dreaming of going home for a long time, and then I was at home, and I found myself dreaming of being somewhere else, or with someone else. I started to question whether I would ever be able to just be present in the moment with the people around me.

But, actually, it has happened that I've become more content. I really like the path that I'm on. I just wish there was someone on the path with me. ;)

I think there should be some necessary tension between reaching higher and also being happy with how far you've come.

Sharon said...

Congrats on the new job!

Also, yes. I feel antsy after just a year or two in one spot... I've been dying to get out of NC. I'm always looking for the next best thing. Ok, except in dating Jeremy. (That's one of the reasons I think he's 'the one'- I'm not interested in looking anymore.) Especially in jobs, my limit is about 18 months. After that I WANT OUT.

Good luck!
S