Friday, November 28, 2008

Decisions, Decisions...

Wednesday, I had every intention of staying in and reading -currently Cat's Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut - or drawing with the tablet PC - which I did the whole afternoon. My intentions only extended so far, as later in the evening, I kept getting text messages and phone calls from people, most of whom were trying to convinc me to go out. They were successful.

First contact of the night: Miss MC. She and I are acquainted, but as happens with some, she started dating someone not long after moving here. She was calling me, very honestly and straight forwardly, extending a hand in friendship. To me, that is awesome. To have someone say that they would like to be your friend is a very wonderful thing. We are probably going bowling on Sunday.

Second contact of the night: Mr. MM. Weird, right? Must have felt his ears burning. He called and wished me a happy thanksgiving, updated me on what he had been doing (more BASE jumps!), and asked if I would be in town aroun Christmas because, well, apparently he'll be in town. The call was somewhat overwhelming because he is someone I really cared about. Maybe our relationship didn't last long, but it was undoubtedly the healthiest and happiest I had ever been in. I will be out of town though.

Third contact of the night: Mr. CPP texted to see if I'd be out. After talking with Miss MC and then being encouraged by Mr. CPP, I said I'd probably make it.

Fourth contact of the night: Mr. JF texted and then called about going out. He and Mr. N would be out and about.

Now, having three people encouraging me to go out, I decided that staying in was a terrible idea. It seemed that everyone was out, so I decided to go ahead and start making poor decisions.

I primped a bit and then went down to the Hangar to meet up with Mr. CPP. True to our style of interaction, once I said hello I was happy to point out that I was really there to see other people. Mr. JF and Mr. N were right there. I did end up hanging out with them. Mr. CPP informed me he'd be heading elsewhere and I remained with the truly platonic male friends and discussed a business venture Mr. JF had concocted. It was a terrible idea.

When the boys decided to check out the Viking, I decided now would be the time to make a slightly better decision and not set foot in that place, instead going to the Alaskan. There I started hanging out with Mr. CPP, which continued through the night. While Mr. CPP and I were at the bar, a girl walked up and, out of nowhere, spoke to us. "Hey, how's it going?" we looked at her, not sure if she was actually talking to us, "Yeah, I know I don't know you guys, I'm just waiting for a drink though and thought I'd say hi." We greeted her. "Happy Thanksgiving. I mean. Kill an Indian day." Mr. CPP and I were silent. She went on to explain how colonists had killed, raped an pillaged. I responded that we couldn't forget history and then her drinks came and she was off our hands. A few things to note: For those of you who are unaware, Thanksgiving is the holiday we have that is meant to remember the help European Americans colonizing the Americas received from the Native Americans. I explain this because apparently some people don't know? Maybe if it had been Columbus Day, her tirade would have made sense. It's also worth it to point out that she said INDIAN and not Native American. If she's going to play the card she played, she should probably be PC. The final thing to note is that Mr. CPP is Alaska Native. His question once the air had cleared was, "Did she not see me?"

We stopped by the Rendezvous briefly after that. My silly new crush was there. Here's where I realized I might be making the wrong decisions. First, I went out when I didn't have much money. Second, I was hanging out with Mr. CPP after the declaration of friendship and things weren't feeling all that platonic. Third, I like this new crush and we have a lot more in common, but since I was already hanging out with Mr. CPP the conversation with new crush was cut short and Mr. CPP and I went to the Imperial.

At the Imperial we had fun. I think that a friend of Mr. CPP asked "is that your girl?" pointing at me. I then got introduced. We were just sitting around, making commentary about the drunk Coasties and flirting like there had never been a friendship treaty. Basically. We were back to where we were before that talk. Hmmm.

Thanksgiving was good. I went to the grocery store, made some food to bring to Miss J's family's house, and then we went there and chatted with them and family friends. We had lots of delicious food and good conversation and played a board game called Loaded Questions. Afterward, still suffering from food coma, we read and watched a movie and then went to bed.

Today I worked at the clothing store, it was kind of quiet but Miss P showed up. We talked a little while her mom and grandma were shopping. While there, I told her my decision makeing dilemma regarding running into the crush while hanging out with the "just friend" and how I felt like I was keeping myself from something better. She told me that she had run into the crush and that he had said, "Here's the problem: I've liked Miss ? for a long time, but Melissa likes all the same web comics as me..."

I started laughing hysterically, but I also got really giddy. Hopefully he'll stop by the bar tonight and we can continue conversing about nerdy and deep things and maybe I can have something nice and positive.

Working at the Bergmann right now. Come!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

I win!

Sometimes, I just feel like I win, in general. And by win I mean that life is good, so I'm happy. It's similar to what competitive people feel with a win, but in everyday life. Sort of.

Yesterday after work I just stopped by Miss P's place. Partially because I left my scarf there, but as the scarf is still there, you can imagine that I had other reasons. I ended up hanging out with Miss P later into the night than either of us had intended and I have the tablet PC in my possession now. We had some more deep and meaningful talks, then we went to cover the Bergmann since Mr. I had missed his bus.

While we were there, Miss PR and Miss B both showed up unplanned and unannounced but much to our good fortune. We ended up having lots of fun hanging out and Miss P and I even stayed after Mr. I had made it in.

By the time I had made it home, tablet PC in possession and 3 comics made (but as of yet unposted), I was pretty tired, so I just got ready and went to bed. I had been texting with Mr. CPP (that's what we do) and it continued for a little while. I had mentioned before, when I was feeling like a dumb girl, that if he never pushed the limits of friendship, I'd feel doubly rejected. Well, my faithful reader(s), I am only singly and partially rejected because (a) "let's be friends" actually meant being friends and not "it's over but this is the nicest way to say it" and (b) because I am pretty sure the limits were pushed or at least nudged. In this way, I can be sure that our just being friends has nothing to do with me being undesirable and everything to do with him being an immature boy who doesn't want to be in a relationship. And since I don't think that I really wanted a real relationship anyway. Maybe we both win.

And further winning: As soon as I get the e-mail I am waiting for, I am free to leave the office to begin fun-times-thanksgiving break!

What will I do during this break?

I will possibly not be posting much if at all, so I'll leave you with some possible things I may be doing so you can still think of me and my exciting life:

I will bake a pie! Maybe apple. Maybe peach. Maybe I'll be inspired to bake another kind!

I will make lots of comics. Possibly never leaving the company of my new tablet PC.

I will work at the Bergmann (so if you are in Juneau, you should come by on Friday).

I will maybe try to work Black Friday at the clothing store.

I will sleep in!

I will have a horror movie night with Miss P, Mr. PD, Mr. PJB, and maybe others.

I will try to avoid going out and spending money on alcohol, restaurant food, or other frivolous things, since I sort of budgeted poorly this month.

I will have Thanksgiving at Miss J's family's home.

I will try to do something exciting so that I can have something worth writing about...

Happy Thanksgiving, Americans! And to my international friends, happy normal work week and weekend!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Infatuation

After the movie last night, Mr. JF just went home, and I followed up on a text message from Miss P and started walking toward her new downtown abode. I called while I was walking there and found myself to have an open invitation.

Upon my arrival we put the kettle on for tea and headed upstairs for some creative brainstorming. One of the nice things about Miss P and I is that we are idea people, creative people, and therefore we are creative idea people. Miss P is going to make movies someday. I will probably still just make really crappy comics. Which I know I haven't been doing.

Miss P and I, in our creative idea discussion, discovered that we like different types of movies. Apparently I am way dark. I do have an idea for a screenplay though.

Even though we didn't come to any conclusion for a movie to make, we did get on to talking about some of those deep things in life that don't get discussed in casual conversation often enough. Human nature, self image, etc.

Miss P impulsively bought a tablet PC. She's been a mac user for-ev-er so she has so far decided she doesn't like it. She also decided she wants to focus on her writing. I am 99.97% sure that I will be the proud owner of a tablet PC in the very near future. That's good news for the readers of the comics. This means that I'll be making more again.

I detailed some reasons for not making more on the comic site, but here are the really big reasons:

I didn't have hours talking on the phone with nothing to do, so I didn't have idle hands to do the devil's work and draw silly cartoons.

Another thing is that, while life goes on, I haven't had any peculiarly absurd incidents occur, nothing that would warrant much of a cartoon.

What I ought to do, just to make up for it, is bring out the post-it notes from my time at the CU and scan those in. Everyone loves caricatures of the town crazies on post-it notes, right?

The title, infatuation, refers entirely to the inevitable love affair with the tablet PC. There is a good chance that I'll disappear off the face of the earth, drawing obsessively on this amazing bit of technology.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Board Games and Booze - a winning combination.

Last night was game night at Miss E and Mr. J's place. Miss J and I showed up after I had spent much of my evening using wifi at the 'Vous again. We played lots of cranium and drank lots of wine. Miss J and I were a super team with extra lucky rolls and almost all correct answer. Despite being musically challenged, we even got the humdingers correct!

Miss E and I were a team for the next round, but we didn't finish since Miss J ended up with a headache. We headed home and were to start a movie but I fell asleep promptly. Woke up this morning on the couch, panicking that I would be late to work. Found alarm (cell phone) and went to my own bed to sleep for a couple more hours.

Work was fine today, got to send my first FOIA request. How tender. Bought a gift for the office manager on my lunch today - it was perfect. She heads out of town on Wednesday, so tomorrow is her last day in the office. Most everyone in the office is gone right now, attending a press conference we scheduled related to the petition.

Empire messed up a press release - printed it 3 days early. Apparently some people got some phone calls... Oops.

Tonight I'm heading to the Silverbow with Mr. JF for another German film, 'The Edukators' is the title here in the States. I've seen it before and really liked it.

Still in regular contact with Mr. CPP, still just friends, had a fun realization that was: I want him to want to push the limits, but if he doesn't, if I don't have to scold him about what friends do and don't do, then I'll feel rejected again. Damn me for being a girl. Our heads really do work this way. This post by Suz struck me because at the wake of this thing with Mr. CPP I started reminiscing about Mr. MM. I don't know if he ever did come back to town, as rumor had it, but if he has already passed through, I wasn't notified. What would I expect from his visit anyway?

Off to have a life now. Ciao.

The hard way

On Saturday night, I downloaded the trial version of Adobe Pro so I could PDF my resume and cover letter. Between my laptop being ancient, using wireless in a bar, and Adobe products being rather bulky - I spent HOURS waiting. After a few drinks, I finally had the program downloaded, I printed both documents to PDF and then went on with the night.

This morning, here at the office where we actually have Adobe Pro, I accidentally opened reader and under file hit create PDF. It took me to the Adobe website. Apparently you can create a PDF file using the website. Apparently you do not have to download Adobe Pro and waste hours of your time.

Just thought I'd share.

Maybe your next PDF experience will be a smoother one than my last.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Time to say goodbye...

I was starting to feel really comfortable, like I could see myself settling here and joining the ranks of the "twenty years later" crowd. I feel comfortable, I love the community, and I have lots of friends and lots of fun.

That was until I was reminded of my ambition.

When I got an e-mail instructing me how to apply to work for the new Senator, I decided that it was an immediate necessity. I updated my resume, wrote an inspired cover letter, and went to the trouble of downloading a trial version of Adobe Pro to PDF my stuff so there was no chance of it getting messed up, so nobody could see all the formatting, etc.

I sent it in and now I am going to be waiting anxiously for an indefinite period of time.

Just found out my favorite co-worker from the campaign is going to apply too! Just hope that that Mr. boss doesn't...

This weekend was pretty solid. Worked at the Bergmann on Friday again. Walked out with less than last week, partially because it was a quiet night, partially because the owner had someone else on for "training" and I felt obligated to tip out.

Saturday I was semi productive... I woke up inspired and wrote my cover letter immediately. I then spent a little time with Miss E and Baby O, the latter managed to spit up down my back. Gross. Obviously took a shower after that, but then took a nap and didn't get on the sending of the resume and cover letter until late in the evening.

Was hanging out with Mr. K, who was back for a visit, and Miss C. Miss C and I were having fun, but Mr. K kind of frustrated me. I know this is silly, but somehow I ended up asking it he thought I was pretty. He told me he didn't want to fuck me. I told him, "that's fine, you don't have to want to fuck me to think I'm pretty." Ugh. Anyway, a lesson to guys out there, when your girl friends want to know if they are pretty (I swear I wasn't being some emo girl...) you should tell them they are, because they probably are, even if it doesn't make you want to sleep with them.

Mr. CPP is still texting me all the time. And of course I am still texting him back. I commented to a friend that I am waiting for the day when I have to explain what friends do or do not do. After the little blow to my self esteem courtesy of Mr. K, I was really hoping that our texting would lead to him wanting to come over - contrary to what I am saying right now as a sober person. I would have broken the rule I made about what friends do and don't do. Guess it's a good thing it didn't come to that.

Did I mention I already have a new crush? I think that I am likely just being a silly girl though. I wanted to feel giddy again.

If I get to go to DC I'll have a whole new dating pool. One which is hopefully less incestuous and has some better options. For a snob like me, it is a wonder I have dated or been involved with some of the people I've been involved with. When you have to really struggle to describe what you see in someone, that isn't good, is it?

Thursday, November 20, 2008

I get knocked down, but I get up again.

Silly thing, being all sad over a boy.  Especially when there are more important things going on in the world and in my life.  Yesterday I thought about it, talked about it, and came to a conclusion:

The main reason I was upset was not that I was devastated to be just friends with Mr. CPP.  The main reason I was upset was because I got rejected.  That's never fun.

I remind myself again that I was on a winning team, working on Mark's campaign.  That is reason to celebrate for a good long while.  It is far more important than a silly failure with a boy. 

Today I received an e-mail directing us where to send a resume and cover letter should we be interested in working with Mark further.  Do I hear DC calling for me?  I am working on that this evening. 

My roommate, Miss J, is back home.  We went to dinner last night at Zephyr and had a very tasty meal.  After that we headed to the Rendezvous for my continual celebration of success in the US Senate campaign and all things good in my life.

When we made it to the Rendezvous, Miss M was tending bar, and Mr. TB was there.  Mr. TB and I ended up in a long and involved conversation about art, web comics, and living a meaningful life.

Relating to the boy situation - sometimes when people say that they just want to be friends it is really just the easiest way to say that there is no interest at all.  It seems that Mr. CPP is sincere in wishing to remain friends because he sent me some text messages and came to the Rendezvous to see me. 

Today one of the co-workers discovered that a case he had done litigation for as part of another green group has been won.  No drilling in the Beaufort Sea!

Things are also coming together very nicely for the petition and the impending press conference.  There have been a lot of congratulations in the office, which is exciting.  Being surrounded by so many intelligent, motivated and great people is wonderful.

Here's news which I find to be interesting but I've placed no value on it yet.  I will most likely be featured in a commercial for a talk radio station that just started up here.  It may be going up on youtube, and if it does, and if I only have one chin, I will share it.



Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Win or lose, it's how you play the game:

Win:

We did it. It feels good to say that I worked on a SUCCESSFUL US Senate campaign. Look how blue Alaska turned out to be!

Lose:

I preemptively canceled the movie "date" with Mr. CPP and went out with Miss E instead. Later on, after some texting, Mr. CPP came and we were hanging out. Not sure how we got onto the topic, but we are officially just friends.

Tie:

Had some good and some bad yesterday, but I think that the good definitely outweighs the bad. It should at least. Doesn't mean I feel that great. Part of it could be a hangover though.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Looks like we've made it!

This won't be some politically savvy blog like something from politico, oh no, this is going to be a jump up and down and sound like a crazy person blog right now:

My wonderful candidate, Mark Begich, is in it to win it.

The way the numbers are looking right now (mind you this is unofficial) we'll win this by more than the 1/2% margin that would allow for a state funded recount.

That means that the months I slaved away, working 13 hour days, forgoing sleep, being poor, eating poorly, and denying myself a normal social life... those months were worth it.

It may not be official, but I'm confident enough to drink some champagne tonight...

Oh, and happy birthday, soon to be former US Senator Stevens.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

The ups and downs of small town life...

Juneau has an amazing community. There are plenty of good people who are more than willing to help people out, to offer a shoulder to cry on, to offer advice or whatever. It's fantastic. Everywhere you go, you see people you know. Sometimes congregations of acquaintances will form in the most odd places and you never feel alone.

The problem is that you are always seen. There is no way to keep a secret in this town. I've learned from experiences of my own and of my friends that trying to keep something on the down low is probably the worst idea ever. The dating pool is nearly incestuous. The concept of being anonymous is not an option.

I guess that is the price we pay.

I am contemplating Juneau because, today, I received a phone call from a State Rep from the 'Banks. He is doing some preliminary phone calls looking for a full time, year round staffer. That would involve moving to the 'Banks though. I said that it is something I might consider, but then started preemptively missing Juneau. After chatting with a friend who went to UAF, I realized that I didn't want to leave Juneau or a town I would like less, regardless of the job opportunity. If I'm going to leave Juneau, it will be for a city like NYC or DC or Chicago. It'll be for a foreign country. It'll be for a better job opportunity. It'll be for more important reasons. I guess that means that I am in Juneau until I come up with something amazing. So if something amazing doesn't come along, it looks like I may be joining the ranks of those who fall in love with this town and never leave.

I almost had a real date with Mr. CPP. It took us about 20 text messages to get to: Bond movie at 7pm. Then he canceled. His reason is solid and respectable. I think we're going to re-schedule.

I've been trying to keep the drama out of this (and even doing that, it is still a fairly dramatic blog) but I think it is often what makes my life interesting enough to read about, so here goes...

Mr. CPP and I are not in a relationship. We have not said anything about being exclusive. Nothing about commitment. Therefore, we are both free to do as we please with whomever we please. The thing is, when Miss A had an after party at her home (where the girl formerly referred to as Shrek resides) I wondered if he might sleep with someone else, and it bothered me. I considered asking Miss A or even asking him, but realized it wasn't my business because we are not exclusive or committed. I don't think anything happened with anyone, but it was the potential emotions that are important.

Last night, a former flirt returned to town. Since we met, we had always flirted and there is a definite tension. Mr. CPP and I had been trying to get together for a couple days and continued to fail at that. So this guy shows up and the tension was still there. We talk, we flirt, and then we make out. In a hallway because we're apparently trying to be inconspicuous, because we don't want people to know. I'm sure we were not inconspicuous. I am sure that the people who were there were very aware that we had sneaked off to make out. Twice. And when I left that night, I made it a few blocks before he had caught up with me, and he walked me home and we made out some more, in my entry way. Then we parted ways.

Then I realized that I wanted Mr. CPP to be there. Then I felt guilty. I felt paranoid. I felt pretty bad. I had fun, but then there were all these stupid emotions. So, technically I've done nothing wrong, yet my conscience has gone into overdrive. I think that this means that I need to talk to Mr. CPP. Communication in "relationships" has never been my strong point. Hence the reason why I've never even been in a "relationship" that ever had any labels.

Well, folks, should I take the step? Should I have a talk with Mr. CPP? Should I get over my silly fear of talking about things and potentially risk messing this all up (because that is a genuine fear of mine)?

Friday, November 14, 2008

Working Girl

I worked the regular 8-5 today and then went straight to work at the Bergmann. It is empty right now. I've poured myself some soda water with lime to nurse while I wait for my friends to magically appear. I sent out text messages to the people I thought would (a) be likely to show up, (b) be likely to stick around, and (c) be likely to get along with other people I invited. Toward the end I may have made some iffy decisions regarding those of the male persuasion - but no exes or anything stupid like that. If we stay open until 3am, I will have worked approximately 18 hours for the day. Awesome.

Apparently one of the new co-workers may be stopping by - that would be fun. I really like everyone I work with! People are very nice and really interesting and overall good people.

Aside from working, I haven't done a ton. Last night I went out. I was planning on taking it easy, but alas, the whiskey was a flowin' and I did get rather tipsy. Not so much that I forgot things, puked up things, or screwed things up though. Just to the point that I was a little tired this morning and may have been guilty of snooze abuse.

Here's another interactive one. Let's say someone very nicely offers to buy you a drink, is there an obligation to that person? How far does the obligation go?

I was chatting with this guy who was very nice but (admittedly) not terribly exciting and then when the Hangar crowd showed up, my attention was immediately drawn away and was never regained. Was that mean?

My candidate Mark is up by 1022 votes tonight! One more day of counting. Can't say much for trends since I don't know whose votes were counted, how the votes were cast (early/absentee/questioned), or even where the voters reside... but hopefully we stay in the lead at the very least.

Went with Mr. JF to dinner and a film on Thursday night. We had a really good time and I am glad to have a good friend in this kid. The film was good, I decided. It was one of those films that end before you expect it to end and leave you contemplating whether it was good or not. I think that the thing that impressed me the most about the movie was how it presented humans as both heroes and victims and villains - not as separate characters, but each individual seemed to portray all of these archetypes. The movie, if you want to check up on my analysis, is The Edge of Heaven. It's filmed in Germany and Turkey (which is why I invited Mr. JF) and the movie is in both those languages as well as some English. Mr. JF and I talked a lot about being indecisive and wanting more. Funny that this seems to be on the minds of so many right now.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Climbing

In the earlier post, I had initially planned to write a bit about my nature and be a little introspective. I got pretty carried away with all the good news but remembered at the end what was going on in my mind.

In the past week I've been feeling fairly introspective and even introverted. Usually I am a bit of a social butterfly, but in the past week I've spent a lot of time alone, a lot of time thinking, a lot of time contemplating life and myself. I've also spent a lot of time watching movies and reading history for fun.

I find that in many things I am doing, with many people I date or find myself involved with, and in many places - I find myself to be daydreaming or actively seeking something more.

I have by no means reached my full potential, so it is not that I would expect myself to quit striving for more, it is more that - well - I feel rather dissatisfied or discontent much of the time. It is something that motivates me, surely, but is it any way to live?

Is it fair to anyone that while I am working, I am dreaming of another job? Perhaps surfing the classified ads for something different and better, something more exciting and more challenging, something less boring or more relevant.

Is it fair to the people I date that I still check out other guys, contemplate them as partners, and even still flirt?

Is it fair to friends, roommates, or employers that I am always dreaming of being somewhere else? That I have started applications for a Fulbright Grant, the Peace Corps, and that I sometimes just want to run off to New York City or Chicago or DC or Germany?

My head is full of ideas and dreams and wanting more and it is fairly overwhelming. What do I want? How will I achieve it? Will I ever be content?

I keep climbing and climbing and I keep wanting to climb higher... As I've said, I have not reached my full potential, not even half that, but when I do, will I still want more?

Survey of readers:

Do you feel as I do? Do you feel content? How does the future make you feel?

Good news!

Today has been full of good news!

First good news of the day is that Mr. JF is going to join me in watching The Edge of Heaven tomorrow evening. I had to turn down an invitation to a game night with some friends of his, so I am glad that we'll get to do this. I mentioned it when decorating for Miss A's party and Miss D asked if it was in any way romantic. Personally, I have never considered Mr. JF as anything more than a friend and I think that this is probably best. If you'd like to know why, it has everything to do with the fact that Mr. JF is smart, witty, fun, and devastatingly gorgeous. OK - he is at least very handsome. It is the last thing that I find intimidating and I think the first thing I do when I encounter someone who is terribly handsome is that I automatically discount them romantically. Despite any suggestions Miss D or Miss A may have made, I will continue to enjoy our platonic relationship.

Second bit of good news is that I got that stupid twin bed and frame out of my closet and into Mr. NC's room. We are neighbors, so the move was a quick and painless one. The frame is missing one screw, so we had to do some duct taping so it wouldn't collapse under Mr. NC's tiny little frame - seriously, that boy is about half my size. I figure that if I was able to sleep two on it when necessary, he could probably fit a couple extra. This means that I have space in my closet to put things away, which I started doing today.

Third bit of good news was that I was offered a job as administrative intern with Oceana. I will be indirectly saving the oceans! It is a temporary position which works perfectly with my aspirations to work with the legislature in January. This is another example of networking because I got the job because of the following string of event: I study in Heidelberg for a year through the Oregon University System. Someone who is to do the same thing sends me a message via myspace and we get to talking and eventually meet for coffee and discussing all things Heidelberg. I move to Juneau. Via gchat, he tells me that someone who was in Germany during the same time he was is from Juneau and has gone back. I get her e-mail address and end up with a coffee date with Miss CA. Miss CA is the sister someone I've already befriended and bff with another of my friends - we realize that we know many of the same people and run into each other fairly often since this meeting. Fast forward to a week ago when Miss CA mentions the position to me on a couple different occasions. Fast forward to today when I go into the office to sign a document saying I accept the position. Awesome.

Another bit of good news? How could there be even more? I was talking with Mr. CC and he suggested I send an e-mail to a particular person in higher echelons of the campaign detailing my situation. After explaining what had occurred, she told me that she does not consider me to have quit and that I should still consider myself part of the campaign as a whole. That being said, I feel very good about having walked away under the circumstances I had faced and I feel even better that I am in no way penalized for having taken a stand as I did. It goes to show that life can be fair, that people can be understanding, and that overall the people I was working with, though very indirectly, are good people.

Mr. CC also informed me that someone from the campaign was in J-town and that I ought to look out for her. We met each other only briefly during the training in A-town, but I may try to go out and see if I can spot her this evening.

Other interesting connections? One of the people who was an amazing volunteer and who gave me some amazing venison stew - her husband works at the place I'll be working the next couple months!

In terms of my dating dilemma, I've received some advice from some solid friends, I'm still considering things but have been more busy dealing with work and finances and watching obscene amounts of movies and sleeping a lot. Today was my last day of 5 days of unemployment, and it felt pretty good. I was productive or at least half the day, and I've enjoyed the rest and made some plans to work things out.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

It's still and beautiful

It's getting dark early. The world is quiet. I'm sitting in a cafe, sipping on iced tea and catching up on e-mails and networkking and, yes, blogging. Thursday was the last day I graced the internet with my presence and my e-mail inbox was proof. Today I had a full page of unread e-mails, many of which I didn't feel much inclined to read.

I did not receive a response to my post quitting explanation/resignation letter. I hope to get a response soon. If I receive none, I'll be pretty disappointed with the campaign's "middle management" level.

Thursday night I sat alone in the back of the Alaskan, listening to Little Black Raincloud Co. and sipping on $2.50 pints of raspberry beer. I looked pretty emo sitting in the back, listening to emo, wearing my grey striped elbow length gloves and my red plastic framed hipster glasses. My attention to the music was only interrupted by vibrations from my cell phone with each text message received from Mr. CPP. He joined me eventually and we sat in the back together, wearing black, listening to emo, and making fun of each other. He left a little earlier than me and we hugged goodbye before I was assaulted with unsolicited advice. Miss P, whom I love, told me I should "dump Mr. CPP and go for Mr. WM" with whom I had been discussing politics for a few minutes. I brushed it off and went home.

Friday I slept in late. I went about town and did things I wanted to do and made plans with Miss C for dinner. I watched movies and relaxed and went to dinner at the Hangar. After dinner we went out to the bars to see what was going on. LBRC Co. was playing again, but the slow renditions of Elliot Smith or Modest Mouse songs along with originals just wasn't right for my mood. We tried the Imp but discovered that even that hotbed of lust and lacivity was nearly empty. Finally we ended up at the 'Vous, where Salsa Borealis was performing. Miss C and I danced some and sipped on water. We talked about being asked to dance or asking people to dance and I realized that I was reminded that I am much more forward than some of my friends. I have been known to drag men onto the dance floor and push people together in some of my more confident fits of drunken fabulousness. Miss C is always more reserved and seemed disappointed that getting asked to dance was not as common as a woman would hope. Near midnight Miss C announced her departure and I opted to get a ride up the hill and go home myself to watch a movie.

I told Miss B that Miss P doesn't approve of my ties to Mr. CPP and she said she agreed. She told me that she thought I deserved better. It's got me really questioning myself here.

Saturday I spent the day with Miss A. We decorated for her party, worked on our costumes, got ready and went to dinner. Of course, there are details which make this exciting. One of these details is that the character known previously as Shrek but who will now be given a more respectful name in personal attempt to be less catty. So, Miss OC is Miss A's roommate and part of my evening was spent at Miss A's place working on costumes. Miss OC came home at some point and upon seeing me basically refused to look at me for the rest of the time, while I did my best to just seem terribly busy with my costume. Miss A and I finished getting ready at my apartment, but that still left dinner. Miss A and I arrived late and there were two seats left. Neither seat would accomodate Miss A's hoop skirt, so she requested that Miss OC switch her seats, which would put Miss OC right next to me. One could feel the resistance, but after all, it was Miss A's birthday celebration, and even had she really tried, she may not have been able to fit that hoop skirt in that space. For the most part, our civil behavior consisted of not really speaking to each other. I made a conscious effort to make conversation at our end of the table that would include her, an effort to speak directly to her, and to make eye contact with her. I did my best, but I don't feel like I have to apologize or make any greater effort. Once we headed to the 'Vous, things were more relaxed. Some did not come straight there and others joined us.

At the party, I was mildly disappointed that Mr. CPP had earlier announced his intent to avoid going out, but also relieved that it might alleviate some of the tension between Miss OC and me. Mr. CPP actually did show up though, along with Mr. HS and Mr. HJ. I found myself sitting right between Mr. HS and Mr. CPP, chatting with people and having a good time, despite all the tensions that seem to arise from all of the friendships, relationships, and ties in this particular group. Miss OC did show up at some point, but her stay was brief, perhaps because of the presence of these people and me. Keyword being me. At the end of the night, Miss A invited everyone to continue the party at her place in the valley, but I decided to stay home downtown. Everyone else headed out to the valley, and I walked home thinking about the doubts that had been planted in my head by Miss P and Miss B.

I know what I don't want to happen, but wonder if I have any right to want this. I know what I would do if this were to happen, but would I seem like some crazy bitch? It got me to thinking I should talk to him. But talking just seems to make things seem so serious. This is why I am terrible with relationships - I see communication as scary and serious even though it could alleviate so much stress.

So, blog world, give me advice:

If you know me and Mr. CPP do you approve?

For anyone else, how much weight should friends' opinions play in deciding if someone is worth dating (even casually)?

Does talking about expectations take things to another more serious level? Can you discuss expectations while keeping things casual?

Do you think I should give up dating since I suck so much at it?

That being said, the day is still and beautiful and I em enjoying some solitude and introverted pondering.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

No, Wilson Phillips, I will not hold on for one more day...

Friday would have marked the end. I could have walked away from the campaign with some glowing letters of recommendation but I'll tell you what I would have left without: my dignity.

I have been tolerating the behavior of Mr. Boss for way too long. I kept telling myself that I could make it a little longer because I really wanted Mark to win. I held on each and every day, held onto the fact that I was doing something good, held on to the fact that the days left were diminishing, held on to the fact that I would be a part of history... but now that the last ballots have been cast, what reason do I have to tolerate senseless yelling and disrespect?

Is tolerating such degrading behavior worth a letter of recommendation? Not in my eyes. Maybe it's dignity. Maybe it's pride. Maybe it is just stubbornness, but whatever trait made me say those fateful words, "I QUIT" and walk out... I don't feel any remorse.

Mr. Boss called multiple times. Ignored. He texted me that I had left things there. I got my stereo back, but I've given up on my V8 juice and a rain jacket. I know that Mr. Boss knows I am a good person. I have tolerated all this, tried to be friendly, lent him my spare cell phone when his phone broke, and I have bought him dinner and been nothing but a good person. He tried to convince me to un-quit and he would tell them I came back. Did I mention that the moment I quit he told K and B - the next higher ups. Not that it surprised me, but he did it immediately. I thought about it, but then I realized that he was appealing to my sympathetic nature, when even if he didn't yell and scream anymore, he had learned no lesson. He knows that by behaving remotely civilly for the remainder of the time, he could significantly lessen his burden. I decided to stand by my decision for a few reasons:

1) I will not suffer more to relieve the suffering of someone who has made me suffer for so long, he has not earned my sympathy or pity.
2) I quit because I could not tolerate his behavior any longer, why on earth would I even give him yet another chance to treat me like less than a human?
3) I said I quit, and I am a woman of principles, a woman of my word, and perhaps a very stubborn woman. I may have thought about waffling, but I didn't in the end.

I called Mr. CC to see if he could give me a good reason to stay and deal with it. That reason didn't exist. A letter of recommendation? Not worth this.

But it's not all bad. I mean, not everything in the world is this bad. I am proud to be an American again. I feel like, right now, I could go back to Europe and when I hear people saying terrible things about America I can point out that we are redeeming ourselves.

And not that I'm necessarily an Alaskan, but I don't know yet if I can be proud of the decisions made here. Certainly not proud that McCain/Palin won the state, though I'm not surprised. Not proud that Don Young has defeated Ethan Berkowitz and I am surprised. I am also surprised and upset that the race between Mark and Ted Stevens is so close with Ted in the lead. I will be embarrassed if Alaska elects a convicted felon. I may have to walk away from all this.

In other news, I guess Merkley won in Oregon. At least the home state is sane. Can't quite say the same of my birthplace though. Really appalled that California voted YES on Prop 8. Really, America, are we really incapable of tolerating differences like this? Maybe I'm still a little embarrassed of America and our intolerance and sometimes dubious decisions.

Open mic night at the alaskan. Miss L's musical ensemble is playing tonight. There are some pints on special. I think that the day can be salvaged.

After the polls closed Tuesday I had to stay at the DOE until nearly midnight. After midnight I brought the uneaten victory pizzas to the Alaskan, giving one to some bums along the way, and I was comforted by Mr. Obama C and Mr. I and Miss PR. I also went and saw Mr. CPP who was behaving much more affectionately than is normal for our public appearances. I don't really know what is going on with this one. It's fun, but Miss P thinks that I may be making some sort of dire mistake. She accused me of being a romantic. I've never really considered myself to be a romantic, but sometimes friends can be very observant and perhaps note things about us that we cannot see ourselves. Maybe I am just getting myself into trouble.

Open mic has started. It's a rather forceful version of Elliot Smith's Needle in the Hay. Kind of like Elliot Smith meets Kurt Cobain and Billy Corgan. Weird. I like the song still though. As things are beginning, I feel that I ought to wrap up this emo rambling.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Can I make it??

Apparently freaks chose November to be the blog everyday month. I think I've probably already failed that one. I'm posting now because it is approximately an hour and 45 minutes from being E-Day!

It will be a trying time. Busy. Stressful. Exciting. And possibly other things depending on the outcomes of numerous races.

If you are curious which candidates I endorse, since my endorsement counts for so much, they are as follow:

Barack Obama/Joe Biden

Alaska:
Mark Begich
Ethan Berkowitz

HD3:
Beth Kerttula

HD4:
Andrea Doll

Oregon:
Jeff Merkley

Ummm, I think you might realize that it is a democratic endorsement.

I also suggest NO on prop 8 for those in California.

Wish me luck, wish Obama and the rest of the democrats luck, and vote and volunteer and cross your fingers, etc.

Oh, and I think I'm the "blue" sheep of the family.

Barely got my 21 year old sister to register to vote, but at least her hippie roommates have swayed her to vote dem.

The 15 year old, thankfully, can't vote, because she supports McCain/Palin. Ew. She posted a myspace bulletin suggesting people wear red in support. That means I have to protest my own sister in another state and wear blue. By all means, I had intended to not even think about what I was wearing, but I've got a teal-blue fleece that I can wear to show my democratic pride.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Zen Moment

If I were not based out of a coffee shop right now, I would probably be stressed to the point of death. Thanks to my location away from Mr. Boss and his stress mess and tantrums, I am tense but surviving.

Got a call at midnight with yelling loud enough that I had to hold my phone a good foot from my face and then bring it nearer my mouth to toss in some one word answers. I went straight to the cafe today rather than going into the office because the last thing I wanted was to start out my day with angry Mr. Boss.

Frustrated in general with vague directions because it is shitty to have to redo everything because the criteria has changed.

Today, for a period of time, there were a solid 10 people in the cafe I knew in some way. Miss C was here to canvass and had lunch here, though I was unable to be attentive. Mr. S was here to see his GF and have a bit to eat and we chatted briefly but I have been absorbed with work. Also here, two state or city elected officials, numerous vols, and some other friends. Who knew the Glacier cafe was such a hot spot? My roommate was working this morning as well.

Today was not only better than yesterday in terms of the flake rate... we actually had people come in who had canceled from yesterday or who had intended to call but ended up here. I think we made up for the flakes with the additional canvassers, especially State Sen's chief of staff who has knocked a ton of doors.

I have permission to be here and I am not campaigning, I am conducting my business with the permission of the owners of the local chain. Still, one person made a complaint and apparently snapped a photo of me. I hope I looked good. Ha.

I am feeling less stress than I was before GOTV, surprisingly, but still significantly more stressed than I was feeling before the last week or so. I will definitely be needing a massage after all this.

It's ridiculous because things change so much, halfway through something, things can change. One day we can be telling people we don't need them to do this and then we'll have to frantically try to recruit for it days later. I don't get reasons, I don't get to ask questions, I don't get to explain things... it is just following commands and giving answers. If I felt confined by rules and standards and commands at the CU, this has it beat, not only are the demands sometimes conflicting and sometimes without any explanation, they are different every time, but just as inflexible at the same time. Working on a campaign like this is ridiculous. I think part of it may just be that Mr. Boss is insane and that some of the higher ups are insane... that everyone thinks they know the best way to do things and those ideas sometimes clash. This is quite possibly the hardest job I've ever had in a lot of ways.

Just heard word that roomie got a ride with Shrek and that Shrek was asking about me and about my relationship with Mr. CPP, Mr. HS, and Mr. HJ. Awkward. I guess it's probably better than me admitting to Shrek's roommate that I call her Shrek and commenting on the fit of her halloween costume. I should probably not be so terrible, as her comment was out of a moment of rage and not really some horrible feelings harbored for long. When women compete over men, it can get ugly... Thinking about it, she apparently doesn't know what she wants with him, and I guess I don't really know either. I wasn't competing with anyone until she snapped at me, and now I find myself relishing the fact that he wants to hang out with me and (I assume) not her, the fact that we are flirting when she is around, where she might see that I am clearly winning... it's stupid. I'm going to stop. Next time I see her, I'm going to be mature and apologize for disturbing her sleep that night or something. Sort of an indirect peace treaty, but directness is probably not going to be a possibility.

Halloween was fun. I got out earlier than anticipated and was able to change into costume. I did have a favored pair of shoes break, have to go home to change them, and then make it back out to enjoy some beverages and some company. Survived and managed to make it in time the following day, though perhaps mildly dehydrated.

This post is probably as jumbled as my brain. Welcome to my life.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Don't let me down, Juneau!

The Juneau empire posted this piece of crap editorial endorsing McCain/Palin. My wonder is if the Empire thinks that Sarah will like Juneau more if we endorse her, while the Anhorage Daily News has endorsed Obama/Biden.

I have said it before and I will say it again:

When Sarah Palin doesn't become VP and she comes back to Alaska in a huff, I will welcome her back and TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM.

Sure, she may not compliment me on my hair now that she knows that I have actively campaigned for Obama/Biden and have actively and openly displayed my dislike of her policies, practices, and lack of good qualities.

And fine, Juneau Empire, let's say this ISN'T about kissing Sarah's Oscar de la Renta wearing ass, let's say it IS about the presidential nominee. McCain? Really?

Juneau is the little blue Oasis in a big sea of red - republican politics and rednecks - and we, of all papers, endorse McCain!?!!

I also want to point out that I've never cited experience as my top criterion for the President, I've cited the plans and ideas of Barack Obama and the Democratic Party. I think that the editor must have stumbled upon some bad forest mushrooms or maybe just straight up ACID.

Way to let me down, Empire. Way to let me down.

One single tear falls for Juneau's undecided voters, but I guess it doesn't matter anyway since Alaska is a solid red on every single electoral map.

Hope for the other races? Yes. Begich and Berkowitz will be victorious (and I swear, I'm not biased) and I hope that Doll takes State House District 4.

3 days to change. Even here.