Wednesday, July 16, 2008

My head is wedged somewhere in the future...

While my body remains firmly stuck in reality.

I go through phases in which I live in the future, mentally. My mind is on tomorrow, next year, five years from now, my deathbed... I have goals and dreams.

I also go through phases in which I live in the present, entirely. My mind is on this moment, on after work, on who I'll see, what I'll do. My mind ventures no further than a week or two into the future. It's all about survival and enjoying life.

I try to avoid phases in which I live in the past, though now and then those moments exist. Usually when things are going wrong, usually when I am looking for why it could have gone wrong or what I had that I wish I could have again. Living in the past is depressing, perhaps only because I haven't had the world's nicest life. Compared to many in the world, it's been fantastic, but there have been some fucked up parts, for sure.

So, today, my mind is way out in the future. It is looking at the bigger picture and then zooming in to the how and the what and the where and maybe the why. I think that when my usual carpool driver told me I'd have to find a new ride if I was still around sometime in August because he'd be transferring to a mine in Tanzania I suddenly realized that I had no plan to get out. Here I am suffering socially (3-4 nights a week are now out of the question for fun!), mentally (my brain is possibly atrophying as we speak), and physically (3-6 hours of sleep a night isn't considered healthy) and I have no plan to change things. I actually have an interview today for a job which will probably provide me with no more mental stimulus but better pay and benefits, it will also have me working four days on and only three days off. I think what bothers me the most about this job is that it does not challenge me in anyway. The greatest challenge I have each day is merely to stay awake. Otherwise I enter data and file stuff. Sometimes I update documents. Sometimes I take notes at safety meetings and then type and send the minutes to people. Can I really do 40+ hours of this a week? I spend 15ish hours a day away from Juneau proper when I am out on the Island. 15 hours of limited communication, boredom, sitting on my ass, eating unhealthy food because healthy food takes time and effort, and wasting the company's resources by blogging and myspacing and facebooking and doing anything I can think to keep me occupied. Can I even accept this job? I think I'll make it a point to find out all that the job entails, to point out that if the job cannot challenge me at all that I will just stay in the temp position and go back to the active job search.

So that was the pretty near future, but my disgust with the present is pushing me toward the grad school idea again. I think that I've settled on the program I've been obsessed with for a couple years, an MPA in Environmental Science and Policy. I think that environmental conservation has always been an interest but now that I live in Alaska, it is even more relevant. I have a fatty crush on Columbia University's program at their School of International and Public Administration. Considering I was a pretty mediocre (B+) student, that I am poor, and that Columbia is Ivy League, I am hesitant to believe in the possibility. I am thus considering appealing to UAS to work out my own masters program combining curriculum from their MPA program and their Environmental Science Program. It could work, right? Did Willamette just spoil me into thinking that you can make exceptions? I hope not. I will also be looking into other schools. Now, if I do that in the very near future, say... Spring or Fall 2009, it might be wise of me to stick with the sweet mining money. Then again, I kind of hate my life right now so perhaps I shouldn't consider money to be an issue so much as keeping myself sane.

And in all my focusing on the future, I didn't realize until now that even though I have my headphones plugged into the computer, the speakers are still spewing out, quietly, whatever I am playing on myspace. Right now people are probably mildly weirded out by Tele, a German band describing themselves as German Pop/Funk/Acoustic. I think though, that it must have been far worse when I was listening to Katy Perry and her songs like, "I Kissed a Girl" and "You're So Gay." Not only am I the girl with the pink hair, facial piercing, and a vocabulary on steroids (comparatively speaking) but I am also the girl who is listening to risque music. I suppose I should get back to listening to Regina Spektor on repeat on the iPod mini.

I've also been pondering my social life and how it has been totally off due to this freakish schedule. I still go out on weekends, but I keep crashing early on Saturdays, I rarely actually make it out on the nights before I get to sleep in, and instead just further screw with my sleep schedule. Also, there are a lot of birthdays coming up and I want to do something special for one person in particular, but I'm hesitant even to attempt to claim some time which is probably a sign that I'm an idiot, but I have to see this through, I have to.

See, even though my life is incredibly boring, I am still writing about it. I think that this job is boring me into rambling for paragraphs on end about things you may or not find even slightly interesting.

In other news, I've been investigating other blogs of late and have decided to try to guess to whom the blogs belong if it is not immediately apparent. I'm also possibly the new biggest fan of one in particular, perhaps because I am sure I know the person but am not 100% sure as to the identity, but also because I like the way this person writes.

1 comment:

Myron Davis said...

Columbia University is in NYC it seems... hmm.

Also transferring to Tanzania? Whoah!

That would be an adventure.

Sometimes you just have to jump. I'd say just try and do what you want to do. But... consider the source.