Monday, July 28, 2008

The messy effects of shit hitting a fan:

Thursday night brought bad news. Someone very close to me has a problem with addiction, this we have known, we have tried to help, tried to deal, but it is not an easily solved problem. Thursday, I received news that this person had received a DUII and would be spending the night in jail. I experienced a full range of emotions within the span of about 10 seconds upon hearing this news. Anything from anger to disappointment, sadness to the kind of bitter happiness you get when you feel like something is deserved and perhaps a lesson will be learned. Overall, I was in a bad place and I wanted nothing to do with anyone. For at least twelve hours after hearing the news I was restless and had no real way to vent. I reorganized my room. Lucky for me, there was plenty of reorganization to do since I had acquired some new furniture.

Anthropology, looting, or just plain creepy:
One set of upstairs neighbors left town. Quickly. So quickly, in fact, that they left their apartment in shambles. The shambles consisted of anything from clothes (never in my life have I seen so much underwear strewn about - it was kind of creepy) to textbooks to lab gear to cooking tools, and so on. The landlord and lady made an interesting call, opening up the apartment for one day to be looted and explored by the other residents. It felt incredibly bizarre to walk into the apartment which resembled a crime scene from CSI, minus the blood. Both rooms were covered in a layer of left-behind clothing and knick-knacks. The kitchen still had food and utensils and pots and pans. There was a brick of clay. There were lab tools. There were text books. There were journals. There was a bed with sheets and blankets still rumpled. I felt so awkward even being in the apartment, but the frugal side of me won and I looted. I took a shelf. We took a loveseat. I took books and an air-popper. We took movies and storage tubs. I took a stereo and a lamp. I didn't discover all that much about the former neighbors, one or both of them had an interest in foreign languages, one was doing a business program, one was interested in pottery... Nothing indicated a reason for the hasty departure.

The fall of a six month whatever it is?
During the time that I was reorganizing my room, pacing and seething over the news of the DUII, I received a text message from someone I had been attempting to reach. I called and reached the person, almost immediately venting about the state of things, then apologizing (though if I really felt comfortable enough with the person I would not have felt the need to apologize, I suppose). He invited me to come over and watch a movie. I told him that I really didn't feel like I'd be very good company and declined. He tried a little pretty please routine and said that we could just sit and watch a movie, but then it came out: he had been drinking. This wasn't a "hey, let's hang out" call, it was a booty call. This was the last thing I needed and I told him that I wouldn't be coming over. I tried to reach him the next few days, hoping to get together to have the talk I've been planning on having for the past two weeks or two months or four months or however long I've been feeling dissatisfied with the state of things... No luck. I have decided that I can't just do what I've done in the past, that is, tell myself it's over but make no mention to him - then when he calls and seems sincere and sweet I give in and we get together and never have that talk I've been meaning for us to have. I have to have a talk. I have to have the "what are we" talk, the "if we aren't together, then we can't act like we're together even sometimes" talk. I dread it as much as I need it, now it is just a matter of having it. No time is a good time for this sort of thing, so I just have to do it.

More caffeine, please:
I am exhausted. I offered to work for Miss S on my day off, since she has been sick. I gave up my one day off, and since I had missed Monday of the previous week, I had worked Thursday, instead. That means that the last day I did not work was... ummm... The Monday I missed, two weeks ago? Ouch. My next day off? Not until Thursday. I hit the snooze button on both my alarms until it was only about 15 minutes until carpool time. I managed to make myself halfway presentable and grab some vitals for the day. I've been trying to fend off sleep all morning with granola bars, coffee, water, caffeine and vitamin B infused mints, and sheer force of will. With all that on my side, I'm still feeling pretty lethargic.

Speaking of work:
I didn't get the position. Apparently there was someone with similar computer skills (what about my other skills?) but more of an interest in HR. Well, honestly, I was at once disappointed and relieved. Disappointed because the job would have paid pretty well and had some sweet benefits. Relieved because this means that I am on the market again because I can't be a temp forever - I need health insurance and better pay and I do hate waking up so early... It's terribly limiting to my social life and other endeavors. Also, I received an e-mail from the current president of the WU DG chapter, Miss E, detailing a position with a political campaign. I was so excited that within an hour of receiving the e-mail I managed to double check that the candidate was, in fact, the candidate I support (it is) and I updated my resume. Within two hours I had sent in my resume and references (updated) with a sincere and enthusiastic cover letter. Cross your fingers that I finally get my foot in the door for a career in politics!

And speaking of politics:
I am the volunteer volunteer coordinator for the Juneau Downtown-Douglas grassroots Obama team. I'll be working with others to get the interested volunteers involved in the most relevant volunteer activities. This definitely got placed on my resume, no matter that I haven't yet done any of the organizing for the campaign... I have done plenty of similar things in the past. A direct quote when I offered to take the position: "I can tell people what to do and where to go." Laughter. "I'm good at it too." And thus, I accepted the position as volunteer volunteer coordinator. If you are in Juneau and you would like to volunteer to make calls or canvass, let me know. I will coordinate you. Ah yeah.

Back to the most serious issue at hand, because more cohesive methods of organization are no fun:
I spoke with DUII receiver and was baffled to hear the rationalization applied to the situation. I was sober enough to drive, but I didn't want to face _____ so I drove past the house and waited in my car, I just fell asleep because I was tired. Ummm. If you were sober enough to drive, you should have been sober enough to face ______ with no problem. The thing is, I think that Miss DUII believes that she was sober enough to drive, that she believes that she couldn't face ______, that she believes this is a rational argument, that she believes that blowing a .10 is acceptable (and this is after being asleep in her idling car for who knows how long... Such is the nature of addiction, I am discovering. Personally, I feel lucky to not have a problem with addiction like this. It makes it hard for me to understand Miss DUII however, leaving me in a state of frustration and disappointment. As much as I want to be there and be as supportive as possible, she gets defensive when I explain that there is a problem, and I feel like I am not helping at all if I just accept what she says as though it were a rational argument, thereby reinforcing her behavior. I want nothing more than to be supportive but I also feel like I have to stand my ground on what is right and wrong. I was upset for a couple days when our phone conversation ended with both of us upset. We talked again and the conversation was much better, but I see this as a real addiction and a real problem. I understand it far more now, but the understanding does not make things easier.

Being in such a state of frustration over Miss DUII's situation, my social life was far more limited this weekend. Also limiting the social life was my exhaustion. I worked every day from 6.5 to 11 hours and I sometimes found that the most energy I could exert would only be enough to stay awake for a movie or a game or two of connect four. Saturday, the Deering of Deering & Down stopped by the store I work at, we chatted briefly and I told her I'd see her perform that night. Once home I watched a movie, dozed off, and at 11pm I debated whether or not to go out. I almost stayed in, but when I went to wash my face for bed, I suddenly felt a bit more energetic and also obligated to keep my promise to Miss Deering and go enjoy the music. I pulled it together and made it to the bars at around 12:30am. I missed most of the performances at the Alaskan and the 'Vous but I did see some, saw some friends (the few who weren't in Haines), and had a lot of fun.

Sunday marked the first day I had slept in since the previous Sunday, and even on that day I didn't sleep in that much, since I volunteered at the Glory Hole. It felt great to sleep in, to get ready for work at a leisurely pace, and to watch some Sealab 2021 while lounging in the living room. Work was not bad that day either, it got busy enough that I wasn't sitting still for a bit, the company was often amusing and nice, and I made it out of there in good time and with some spending money. Went to bed, as usual, too late for the wake-up time, but alas, what can I do?

And here I am at work. Whew. That is quite the update, right?

1 comment:

Myron Davis said...

I hope she gets over this problem, getting a DUI really hurts you chances to travel through Canada too.

Not a very good thing to have on your record.