Tuesday, July 29, 2008

My boss is awesome...

I sent my boss an e-mail yesterday confessing to looking for another job.

My reasons are numerous:
I need healthcare.
I need better hours.
I need a commute that isn't 3.5 hours a day.
I need a stepping stone for future careers.
I don't sleep enough.
I am eating poorly (read GETTING FAT!).
I am working too much.
I am worn out and stressed out.

We met today and talked about it and he basically said that he understands fully, that he understands and would not be upset if I didn't even put in two weeks notice, and he said that I can list him as a reference if I would like. Wow.

I've been applying to jobs in politics and the non-profit sector. I've definitely learned a lot from working at a mine, but it just isn't going to get me where I want to go or take care of me the way I need it.

I have been looking in Juneau, Portland, Central Oregon (für die Schwestern), and nationwide. We're talking NYC, DC, or just plain all over the place and temporary. Campaign jobs are still hiring, and while they are in no way permanent positions, they are shoe-in type jobs. Once you get your start, you are set to work on other campaigns, as staffers, set to hold minor offices, party chairs, etc.

I have decided that I can't let myself get too settled (despite having a biggish bed, a loveseat, and a shelf in my room now) and that I need to look at jobs that will:
Set me up for a career that I want.
Be stimulating and challenging.
Be fun?
Make new connections.
Allow for travel?
Align with my ideals.
Get my foot in the proverbial door.

Here's to the future.

Monday, July 28, 2008

The messy effects of shit hitting a fan:

Thursday night brought bad news. Someone very close to me has a problem with addiction, this we have known, we have tried to help, tried to deal, but it is not an easily solved problem. Thursday, I received news that this person had received a DUII and would be spending the night in jail. I experienced a full range of emotions within the span of about 10 seconds upon hearing this news. Anything from anger to disappointment, sadness to the kind of bitter happiness you get when you feel like something is deserved and perhaps a lesson will be learned. Overall, I was in a bad place and I wanted nothing to do with anyone. For at least twelve hours after hearing the news I was restless and had no real way to vent. I reorganized my room. Lucky for me, there was plenty of reorganization to do since I had acquired some new furniture.

Anthropology, looting, or just plain creepy:
One set of upstairs neighbors left town. Quickly. So quickly, in fact, that they left their apartment in shambles. The shambles consisted of anything from clothes (never in my life have I seen so much underwear strewn about - it was kind of creepy) to textbooks to lab gear to cooking tools, and so on. The landlord and lady made an interesting call, opening up the apartment for one day to be looted and explored by the other residents. It felt incredibly bizarre to walk into the apartment which resembled a crime scene from CSI, minus the blood. Both rooms were covered in a layer of left-behind clothing and knick-knacks. The kitchen still had food and utensils and pots and pans. There was a brick of clay. There were lab tools. There were text books. There were journals. There was a bed with sheets and blankets still rumpled. I felt so awkward even being in the apartment, but the frugal side of me won and I looted. I took a shelf. We took a loveseat. I took books and an air-popper. We took movies and storage tubs. I took a stereo and a lamp. I didn't discover all that much about the former neighbors, one or both of them had an interest in foreign languages, one was doing a business program, one was interested in pottery... Nothing indicated a reason for the hasty departure.

The fall of a six month whatever it is?
During the time that I was reorganizing my room, pacing and seething over the news of the DUII, I received a text message from someone I had been attempting to reach. I called and reached the person, almost immediately venting about the state of things, then apologizing (though if I really felt comfortable enough with the person I would not have felt the need to apologize, I suppose). He invited me to come over and watch a movie. I told him that I really didn't feel like I'd be very good company and declined. He tried a little pretty please routine and said that we could just sit and watch a movie, but then it came out: he had been drinking. This wasn't a "hey, let's hang out" call, it was a booty call. This was the last thing I needed and I told him that I wouldn't be coming over. I tried to reach him the next few days, hoping to get together to have the talk I've been planning on having for the past two weeks or two months or four months or however long I've been feeling dissatisfied with the state of things... No luck. I have decided that I can't just do what I've done in the past, that is, tell myself it's over but make no mention to him - then when he calls and seems sincere and sweet I give in and we get together and never have that talk I've been meaning for us to have. I have to have a talk. I have to have the "what are we" talk, the "if we aren't together, then we can't act like we're together even sometimes" talk. I dread it as much as I need it, now it is just a matter of having it. No time is a good time for this sort of thing, so I just have to do it.

More caffeine, please:
I am exhausted. I offered to work for Miss S on my day off, since she has been sick. I gave up my one day off, and since I had missed Monday of the previous week, I had worked Thursday, instead. That means that the last day I did not work was... ummm... The Monday I missed, two weeks ago? Ouch. My next day off? Not until Thursday. I hit the snooze button on both my alarms until it was only about 15 minutes until carpool time. I managed to make myself halfway presentable and grab some vitals for the day. I've been trying to fend off sleep all morning with granola bars, coffee, water, caffeine and vitamin B infused mints, and sheer force of will. With all that on my side, I'm still feeling pretty lethargic.

Speaking of work:
I didn't get the position. Apparently there was someone with similar computer skills (what about my other skills?) but more of an interest in HR. Well, honestly, I was at once disappointed and relieved. Disappointed because the job would have paid pretty well and had some sweet benefits. Relieved because this means that I am on the market again because I can't be a temp forever - I need health insurance and better pay and I do hate waking up so early... It's terribly limiting to my social life and other endeavors. Also, I received an e-mail from the current president of the WU DG chapter, Miss E, detailing a position with a political campaign. I was so excited that within an hour of receiving the e-mail I managed to double check that the candidate was, in fact, the candidate I support (it is) and I updated my resume. Within two hours I had sent in my resume and references (updated) with a sincere and enthusiastic cover letter. Cross your fingers that I finally get my foot in the door for a career in politics!

And speaking of politics:
I am the volunteer volunteer coordinator for the Juneau Downtown-Douglas grassroots Obama team. I'll be working with others to get the interested volunteers involved in the most relevant volunteer activities. This definitely got placed on my resume, no matter that I haven't yet done any of the organizing for the campaign... I have done plenty of similar things in the past. A direct quote when I offered to take the position: "I can tell people what to do and where to go." Laughter. "I'm good at it too." And thus, I accepted the position as volunteer volunteer coordinator. If you are in Juneau and you would like to volunteer to make calls or canvass, let me know. I will coordinate you. Ah yeah.

Back to the most serious issue at hand, because more cohesive methods of organization are no fun:
I spoke with DUII receiver and was baffled to hear the rationalization applied to the situation. I was sober enough to drive, but I didn't want to face _____ so I drove past the house and waited in my car, I just fell asleep because I was tired. Ummm. If you were sober enough to drive, you should have been sober enough to face ______ with no problem. The thing is, I think that Miss DUII believes that she was sober enough to drive, that she believes that she couldn't face ______, that she believes this is a rational argument, that she believes that blowing a .10 is acceptable (and this is after being asleep in her idling car for who knows how long... Such is the nature of addiction, I am discovering. Personally, I feel lucky to not have a problem with addiction like this. It makes it hard for me to understand Miss DUII however, leaving me in a state of frustration and disappointment. As much as I want to be there and be as supportive as possible, she gets defensive when I explain that there is a problem, and I feel like I am not helping at all if I just accept what she says as though it were a rational argument, thereby reinforcing her behavior. I want nothing more than to be supportive but I also feel like I have to stand my ground on what is right and wrong. I was upset for a couple days when our phone conversation ended with both of us upset. We talked again and the conversation was much better, but I see this as a real addiction and a real problem. I understand it far more now, but the understanding does not make things easier.

Being in such a state of frustration over Miss DUII's situation, my social life was far more limited this weekend. Also limiting the social life was my exhaustion. I worked every day from 6.5 to 11 hours and I sometimes found that the most energy I could exert would only be enough to stay awake for a movie or a game or two of connect four. Saturday, the Deering of Deering & Down stopped by the store I work at, we chatted briefly and I told her I'd see her perform that night. Once home I watched a movie, dozed off, and at 11pm I debated whether or not to go out. I almost stayed in, but when I went to wash my face for bed, I suddenly felt a bit more energetic and also obligated to keep my promise to Miss Deering and go enjoy the music. I pulled it together and made it to the bars at around 12:30am. I missed most of the performances at the Alaskan and the 'Vous but I did see some, saw some friends (the few who weren't in Haines), and had a lot of fun.

Sunday marked the first day I had slept in since the previous Sunday, and even on that day I didn't sleep in that much, since I volunteered at the Glory Hole. It felt great to sleep in, to get ready for work at a leisurely pace, and to watch some Sealab 2021 while lounging in the living room. Work was not bad that day either, it got busy enough that I wasn't sitting still for a bit, the company was often amusing and nice, and I made it out of there in good time and with some spending money. Went to bed, as usual, too late for the wake-up time, but alas, what can I do?

And here I am at work. Whew. That is quite the update, right?

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Out of the loop...

Me and my dumb job and its ability to keep me way far out of the loop. I have always been a somewhat out of the loop person, but this is ridiculous. Seriously.

How out of the loop is Melissa?
She has never seen Top Gun (people think this is really weird).
She has not seen 2/3 of the Indiana Jones trilogy or this most recent one.
She watched 9 to 5 and So I Married an Axe Murderer for the first times this week.
She doesn't know who would be a good actress to cast as herself in a biographical comedy about her crazy family which would definitely be directed by Wes Anderson - she does know that she hopes Jason Schwartzman is cast as her love interest though.
She doesn't know who has the #1 album or #1 song.
She doesn't know what is playing in cinemas.
She doesn't know who is in concert these days.
She doesn't know what happened in Desperate Housewives or Ugly Betty OR GREY'S ANATOMY though she never really did.

I guess it's not all that bad that I'm hiding in my own little limited media world. I mean, I do know all about Russian society in the 1800's and that has to count for something, right? What I'm trying to say is: I have about 100 pages to go on Anna Karenina and I've been far more impressed with the story, characters, and plot in the second 2/3 of the book. I don't know why 1/3 seems to be my cut off point, the point at which I get fed up and walk away... Glad I picked it back up though. While you wouldn't expect it, a lot of the emotions and actions of the characters can be pretty relevant and there are always parallels when it comes to social issues.

I will also feel really accomplished once I read the last page. Just please, don't ask me to analyze it too much, my head might explode.

Tonight the Obama Office in Juneau is opening, there will be a little reception and I am excited to go! I was trying to make plans with Mr. A (we fail at making plans mostly) but I really want to go to this. I've invited him to attend if he'd like, who knows. If not, I listed myself as bringing a guest, so maybe I'll coerce someone else to go along. Doesn't matter if I have one or not, really.

Also today is my Friday, so I am looking forward to staying out later than the past few nights (that honestly just means going to bed after 9:30-10:30 pm) and getting to sleep in tomorrow morning!

In great news, I have found or been found by the exchange students from my senior year in high school. I got to be pretty close with these kids and am really excited to be in touch with all of them again. I've kept in touch with Miss Mafia and Miss IR but now I'm back in touch with Mr. RS and Miss KK who were a lot of fun as well. I hope we manage a reunion sometime soon!

This morning I got in a fight with my snooze button, the snooze button totally sabotaged my wakeup call. Somehow. I woke up at 3:50 instead of a reasonable hour, and because Mr. I drove this morning I had just enough time to dress, make sure the bangs weren't sticking out at odd angles, grab some food (though not the fresh homemade marinara I made) and walk to Mr. I's place. That means it is totally shower time when I get home and before I go mingle with the other Obama Advocates.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Um, what?

Saturday my body was perhaps saturated with caffeine and alcohol through out the day. I bought caffeinated mints and popped those whenever I was feeling even slightly sleepy, I think I had about 3 of them and that is the equivalent of 3 cups of coffee. I worked both the bartending and retail gig, with that nice two hour computer death break in between. Once I got off work, Miss C met me downtown for sushi and then going out. We had a drink at the AK and then went up to Mr. L's hotel room for his birthday celebration. One of the last pony kegs of AK Raspberry Wheat, mmmm.

The party picked up as the night went on, but Miss C didn't know the people as I did and Deering & Down was playing at the 'Vous. We decided to head there and have some more drinks. We did lots of dancing and drinking, the drinking probably became an even bigger deal when Miss C's ex happened to appear with some blonde. We got properly tipsy and went to the AK for some dancing to Slow Gun Runner as well. After bar close we stopped at the food stand and then went back to my place to sleep it all off.

Some minor complications of the night? Perhaps? As you know from my history, this night could not have gone so smoothly (even with the appearance of the infamous ex already listed it has to be worse). So nobody is disappointed, I will admit that it did not go this smoothly. While dancing at the AK with an acquaintance of mine, the dancing got a little... scandalous. He also tried to kiss me. Twice. I pulled away more because I dislike PDA, especially with someone who interviewed me for a position around, not so much for any other real reasons. I also had a situation in which a guy with whom I flirt on pretty much any occasion we are hanging out followed me home. Not in a creepy sort of way, but suggesting that he thought maybe something was going to happen when it was actually in no way going to happen - at least not at this time or in this way. I really need to get my love life straightened out... Seriously. I also need to re-evaluate the way I evaluate potential suitors or whatever they wish to be, liking someone in general is not the same as being enamored with a person, maybe I should only allow myself to become involved with guys who give me butterflies in my stomach and gelatinous knees...

Sunday I was up and around to go help make and serve brunch at the Glory Hole. Another Rotaractor and I helped some Rotarians make pancakes, ham, and eggs to serve. It was actually pretty fun and definitely a reasonable way to spend a morning. I saw some of my customers from the 'Vous there... That is kind of awkward because the concept of these people being at a homeless shelter, whether to live or just to eat, then spending cash on alcohol at a bar - that's depressing and disappointing. Possibly because they had just fallen on hard times or possibly because I witnessed them getting a free meal, non of these customers graced the 'Vous Sunday afternoon.

Between the Glory Hole and working at the 'Vous, I had a couple Bloody Marys and some conversation with Miss J and Miss B. It got me wondering whether being charter president of Rotaract had made me feel alienated or if it was something real. I was happy to have received an invitation to attend the little get-together, I wouldn't have invited myself. I think though, that since I do really like both these girls, maybe I should pursue friendship despite feeling mildly alienated from the club in general.

Now I'm at work again and I am TIRED. I also don't feel 100% well and I don't know if this coffee is going to help that matter.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Today? Not my day...

Actually, the day started off fine. I got up and got ready for work at the 'Vous, looking cute and full of energy thanks to caffeinated mints. Mmm. I had a fine day at work which included seeing my own personal regular (he comes to see me once a week) and having some nice people in. It was productive if nothing else though, lots of stocking liquour and beer for Deering & Down's performance tonight. Looking forward to that. Not looking forward to having to work another 3-4 hours for a total of 9-10 hours worked in a day. That means that 6 days a week I work 9-11 hours a day. Not that great.

Yesterday I managed to have an 81 year old man fall in love with me. His parting words were, literally, "I love you." He also invited me to attend a cross country road trip with him and while playing his $100 worth of $0.10 pull-tabs (that's ONE=THOUSAND pull-tabs) he said he wanted to win big to take me out to dinner... A little nutty, but I'm getting used to old men falling in love with me at this job.

Yesterday afternoon I shopped again, oops. I also took a nap! I ended up going to a house party in the valley with Miss P and Miss L in the evening, I was classy and drinking sparkling strawberry wine, which cost me a whopping $7.00. I drank half of it and then headed downtown with another downtowner because I didn't want to be concerned with paying for a cab to get home in the morning for work. It was a pretty chill party, especially since I only knew a handful of the dozen people. Miss P and I went to some bars once we got downtown. We made an appearance at the Alaskan and danced a bit at the Imperial. I meant to get the heck out of there before bar close hit, but I barely made it out a half hour before since Miss P and I got into a pretty deep discussion.

Oh, so, today not being my day? When I hit 'empty recycle bin' on my 5 year old laptop it decided that instead of doing that it should turn everything weird colors and display this flashing madras pattern which dissipated to a black screen with 4 horizontal, white lines. It died. Then I went to the librizzle (where I am now) and when I went to check my mail for some important information, it looks like hotmail deleted all but the 5 most recent messages in my inbox. Is that illegal? I mean, seriously... WTF. So, I did manage to remember enough to pay my most important bills. but that does not mean that I did not get pretty riled up. I mean, internally. I don't outwardly show this stuff.

I'm pretty calm, considering the mid-afternoon drama. Especially since I have no extra cash lying around to replace the ol' lappy. I am STILL waiting on some government checks (the rest of my refund and my stimulus check) since my mom's tax guy was an idiot and claimed me as a friggin' dependent on her taxes. It didn't benefit her and it certainly fucked me over, but they are apparently still processing the amendment, which means that I may not get my money until August... or later, who knows. The government is lame.

I'm going to go sell clothing to tourists now, it'll be brilliant. I'll have the place to myself from 5-8 most likely, which would be great except I don't have the option of just screwing around, I actually have to run around refolding sweaters. There are really only so many times you can refold one sweater...

So, excited to go dancing tonight, otherwise, life is the usual mess of ups and downs. Blah.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Sometimes I am so inappropriate...

Are you friends with me on facebook? Try checking out graffiti I've drawn. You will get a wonderful or terrible surprise, depending on your reaction to humor related to death and prostitution.

So, I'm in the present again. It's more frustrating than anything else because I have this terrible urge to give a rather fantastic speech to someone. It isn't so much fantastic as witty yet emo. It has to wait at least one more day however, because such speeches are probably less welcome on people's birthdays than they are on other days, and on other days I don't think they are favorites.

I am at work again today and have almost nothing to do. I am going to, soon, install the new filing system in an office in the next building over. I'm letting my iPod mini charge fully. Now, you may have noticed how I make it a point to declare my iPod Mini 1G - that's a first generation, my dears, and I want you to know that it is because I am somewhat proud of the ghetto technology I own. While it may have been top 'o' the line when I bought the darling green thing, it is now about 4 years into obsolescence. Ah, technology and its hare pace. I sometimes dream of iPhones, but probably won't get one until there is some new iAssistant, or something. Not until there are miniature apple-shiny-white robots (think Winslow?) who make calls, play music, and walk your dog for you.

I hope more than Miss S will have gotten my possibly obscure webcomix reference. Nerdin' out on the net, hollerrrrrr!

Aforementioned graffiti: My blog just got to be rated R or NC-17 or something...

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

My head is wedged somewhere in the future...

While my body remains firmly stuck in reality.

I go through phases in which I live in the future, mentally. My mind is on tomorrow, next year, five years from now, my deathbed... I have goals and dreams.

I also go through phases in which I live in the present, entirely. My mind is on this moment, on after work, on who I'll see, what I'll do. My mind ventures no further than a week or two into the future. It's all about survival and enjoying life.

I try to avoid phases in which I live in the past, though now and then those moments exist. Usually when things are going wrong, usually when I am looking for why it could have gone wrong or what I had that I wish I could have again. Living in the past is depressing, perhaps only because I haven't had the world's nicest life. Compared to many in the world, it's been fantastic, but there have been some fucked up parts, for sure.

So, today, my mind is way out in the future. It is looking at the bigger picture and then zooming in to the how and the what and the where and maybe the why. I think that when my usual carpool driver told me I'd have to find a new ride if I was still around sometime in August because he'd be transferring to a mine in Tanzania I suddenly realized that I had no plan to get out. Here I am suffering socially (3-4 nights a week are now out of the question for fun!), mentally (my brain is possibly atrophying as we speak), and physically (3-6 hours of sleep a night isn't considered healthy) and I have no plan to change things. I actually have an interview today for a job which will probably provide me with no more mental stimulus but better pay and benefits, it will also have me working four days on and only three days off. I think what bothers me the most about this job is that it does not challenge me in anyway. The greatest challenge I have each day is merely to stay awake. Otherwise I enter data and file stuff. Sometimes I update documents. Sometimes I take notes at safety meetings and then type and send the minutes to people. Can I really do 40+ hours of this a week? I spend 15ish hours a day away from Juneau proper when I am out on the Island. 15 hours of limited communication, boredom, sitting on my ass, eating unhealthy food because healthy food takes time and effort, and wasting the company's resources by blogging and myspacing and facebooking and doing anything I can think to keep me occupied. Can I even accept this job? I think I'll make it a point to find out all that the job entails, to point out that if the job cannot challenge me at all that I will just stay in the temp position and go back to the active job search.

So that was the pretty near future, but my disgust with the present is pushing me toward the grad school idea again. I think that I've settled on the program I've been obsessed with for a couple years, an MPA in Environmental Science and Policy. I think that environmental conservation has always been an interest but now that I live in Alaska, it is even more relevant. I have a fatty crush on Columbia University's program at their School of International and Public Administration. Considering I was a pretty mediocre (B+) student, that I am poor, and that Columbia is Ivy League, I am hesitant to believe in the possibility. I am thus considering appealing to UAS to work out my own masters program combining curriculum from their MPA program and their Environmental Science Program. It could work, right? Did Willamette just spoil me into thinking that you can make exceptions? I hope not. I will also be looking into other schools. Now, if I do that in the very near future, say... Spring or Fall 2009, it might be wise of me to stick with the sweet mining money. Then again, I kind of hate my life right now so perhaps I shouldn't consider money to be an issue so much as keeping myself sane.

And in all my focusing on the future, I didn't realize until now that even though I have my headphones plugged into the computer, the speakers are still spewing out, quietly, whatever I am playing on myspace. Right now people are probably mildly weirded out by Tele, a German band describing themselves as German Pop/Funk/Acoustic. I think though, that it must have been far worse when I was listening to Katy Perry and her songs like, "I Kissed a Girl" and "You're So Gay." Not only am I the girl with the pink hair, facial piercing, and a vocabulary on steroids (comparatively speaking) but I am also the girl who is listening to risque music. I suppose I should get back to listening to Regina Spektor on repeat on the iPod mini.

I've also been pondering my social life and how it has been totally off due to this freakish schedule. I still go out on weekends, but I keep crashing early on Saturdays, I rarely actually make it out on the nights before I get to sleep in, and instead just further screw with my sleep schedule. Also, there are a lot of birthdays coming up and I want to do something special for one person in particular, but I'm hesitant even to attempt to claim some time which is probably a sign that I'm an idiot, but I have to see this through, I have to.

See, even though my life is incredibly boring, I am still writing about it. I think that this job is boring me into rambling for paragraphs on end about things you may or not find even slightly interesting.

In other news, I've been investigating other blogs of late and have decided to try to guess to whom the blogs belong if it is not immediately apparent. I'm also possibly the new biggest fan of one in particular, perhaps because I am sure I know the person but am not 100% sure as to the identity, but also because I like the way this person writes.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Here I go again, on my own...

In a failed attempt to get anyone to attend the film with me, I saw Persepolis at Silverbow on my own. The film was fantastic, and as I was merely sitting in a less than comfortable wooden chair in the dark, watching the film, a companion was hardly necessary.

I had attempted to get Mr. A to come along, but he already had plans with his bff. He said that he'd ask if he wanted to check out the film as well. When detailing this mess to Miss J, I blurted out, "Great, I get to go on a date with my bo---" and stopped myself mid syllable when I realized that I had almost labeled Mr. A something I have not been considering him. Maybe it is a role I'd have liked him to fill, but it is not a role he was actually filling. Aaakkkk. That is my only response.

Where is this going? I don't know.

I intended to go to the Island T-Th this week, but it looks like the interviews will be at the Vintage office so I need to either find some work to do over there, or I forfeit a day's work because of this silly carpool schedule. If nothing else, I can consider it an investment in my future because if I get the job, I'll be much better off financially and otherwise.

Also - I just got quasi-bitched out for not making it to work on Monday, but honestly... I tried. I called my usual ride, I called my back-up ride, and at least when I tried to get a cab today I was told it would be 20 minutes from the time I called. Sorry if I have a lot more variables to deal with, sorry if you don't think it is very "adult" of me to not make it to work, but I did wake up at 3am, which I don't do for fun. Not everyone can afford to effin' cab from downtown to Auke Bay or buy a car or whatever. If I don't get the better job, I'm going to have to look for a new one entirely...

Monday, July 14, 2008

A one woman soap opera:

Life could not be more complicated. I wish I were more decisive, more confident, more capable of saying 'hell no."

Wednesday was the Rotaract Charter Party, which I ended up planning mostly on my own due to the inability to motivate other people to get in on the planning. I got Mr. S to suggest we do the exact same thing as our initial meeting, which seemed like the best option due to our small budget, short period of time for planning, and the simple nature of planning such a thing. So in the week leading up to the event, I managed to shoot off a dozen e-mails asking - no - demanding that people do this or that or the other thing. I designed an invitation which was later aesthetically butchered without my approval and I wrote a speech which I never gave. I even almost didn't make it into the group picture of the charter members, despite being the charter president. Yes, a lot of my interactions with the club sometimes feel like a big "fuck you" despite the effort I did and still put in, but I was charter president for a reason - I cared about the club and I still do. I convinced Mr. R to attend, hoping more of my friends would have made it and feeling slightly bad that he attended an event which wasn't nearly as exciting as I'd have liked it to be. Oh well. I had also been working on convincing an occasional dance partner of mine to attend, but he was feeling under the weather and couldn't attend.

So it goes.

Thursday was my day off and was almost entirely wasted but also entirely enjoyed. I slept until 1pm without any effort, which is uncharacteristic for me, actually. I then spent some time hanging out with Miss J, and then Miss P when she showed up. We had big plans for the evening, but when we started drinking wine at 4pm those plans diminished to... just drinking wine. We consumed an obscene amount, descending into a state of giddy wine-drunkenness. When her BF came over, I am certain we scared him off with our absurd behavior and incessant giggling.

Friday morning was, therefore, unpleasant. I went to work at the 'Vous and managed to survive the day with a minimal hangover despite the excessive wine consumption. When I got off work I went shopping (oh no) and then went home to nap and laze about and then ended up making plans with a former fling. My main complaint had been his lack of phone etiquette or something along those lines so I was surprised and happy to oblige when he called to invite me to go see the JUMP film festival. At first I had felt that his best friend was proving to be the better date, but he pulled it together fairly well. We actually had fun but I just don't think the chemistry is there anymore.

I ran into a friend who told me that Mr. A would be back in town. It has been about a month and a half since he left town, since we last complicated my life (not going to speak for his). I said, "Good, great, fantastic" or something uncomfortable but meant to be cheerful.

Saturday morning was another beautiful day at the 'Vous, in which I had my own personal regular and then the former fling who is trying to make a comeback. That was a fun pairing, then there was the phone call. My phone rings and it is Mr. A, back that morning, calling me. I know that anyone who follows this must think that I am the biggest idiot to have ever walked the earth because of my un-ending and unreasonable devotion to this mysterious character. I probably am. I saw him that afternoon and was faced with the same overwhelming wave of melancholy at the state of our relationship, in my mind convincing myself that the next time I see him I'll demand that we hash things out and figure out where we stand. Ah, the love-hate relationship. Ah, my inability to walk away. Ah, my naivety and stupidity.

Saturday evening I went to the going away party for Mr. D, whom I'll be sad to see go. He's been a good friend too tons of people in this town, as evidenced by the very well attended party. I knew at least a handful of the people and eventually invited Miss C to come, despite not knowing Mr. D. It was actually kind of nice to have someone there to talk with, whom I didn't feel like I was holding back at all. Knowing so few people myself I found myself sometimes overwhelmed with the number of people I didn't know while in between conversations. Somehow I still feel so awkward being alone in crowded places. I've been working on that for years and I still can't get over it.

Miss C and I went back to my place to change into cuter clothes and then went to the Alaskan for some live music. We had fun sitting and sipping on cocktails as well and chatting, though both of us began to feel rather tired. We decided that dancing was in order and went out on the dance floor where Miss C and I were at some point whisked off to dance by a Fin and a photographer respectively. We actually called it a night at least an hour before bar close and I, having had some energy drink, thought I was still awake, but fell asleep 15 minutes into Swordfish.

Sunday I slept late, worked at the 'Vous, and was happy when Miss J came to keep me company. I ended up staying out later than I had intended hanging out with Miss J. When I got home I went straight to bed and set my alarm. I woke up on time and was ready to go, but once again I've botched my carpool schedule and have missed a day of work. I hope things go back to a regular schedule again, consistency certainly has its nice qualities.

At least I was able to go back to sleep, it was quite enjoyable to just hop back into bed and go back to sleep.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Barnum and Bailey would be impressed...

...the greatest shit-show in the world.

Happy Independence Day. It strikes me now and then that our celebration of holidays does not often reflect the purpose of the holiday and in fact often defines new guidelines and purposes. At some point, the main activities for the 4th seem to have become drinking, lighting fireworks, and smothering the world in red, white and blue. Therefore, the new purpose of the holiday is not to celebrate our independence, but to see who can wear the most red, white and blue, see who can drink most, and to see who has the best fireworks display. What does this have to do with Independence? Nothing. I don't have a problem in the world with alcohol and explosives however, so I won't complain.

For those unfamiliar with Juneau's traditions, it is of interest that Juneau sets off the fireworks from Douglas Island at approximately 11:59pm on July 3rd. Whether this was plotted out for the children or the lushes, I am not sure, but it is a wonderful idea to do the late-night activities BEFORE the day when the majority of people don't have to work. This means that while the fireworks were happening on the 4th mostly (midnight, you know) everyone can sleep off their hangovers and have a day of languor.

Wednesday night I had my first R meeting in a long time. I showed up with my pink hair and got some surprised and not entirely pleasant looks as well as some teasing comments. I didn't expect people to be as positive about the change as the rest of my friends, so I was prepared for some funny looks. We had a guest speaker, which was nice. Since I ceased to be president, a lot of things have remained the same, but I am glad that we have speakers now. I think that is honestly the only positive change I've noticed - that and that I don't have all the stress of being president. I'll give it to el Presidente, even making one positive change is kind of a big deal, coping with the stress of being el Presidente is a big deal. It's a tough job.

After the meeting I stopped by the AK since Thursday is my one day off, the crowd was small and not anyone I really knew so I had one drink to relax but found myself quite the opposite of relaxed when the person I was needing to forget about was brought up in conversation in close proximity. I finished my drink and decided that it would be a good idea to go home and rest up. I watched a movie with the roommate instead.

Thursday I went to a Rotary meeting, showing up late with pink hair isn't subtle, but my reception was still positive and Katie Hurley was the guest speaker, which was fabulous because she is a local political icon. At age 87 she was the head clerk in the constitutional committee for Alaska and has been involved in (democratic) politics for years. In this presidential year she is an elector. She was well spoken, engaging, and very encouraging in a personal conversation.

Since I had shown up late, I didn't grab breakfast at the beginning as is customary but one of the Rotarians suggested I grab some at the end, as there was still a lot left. I grabbed a plate and served myself a little breakfast, feeling mildly awkward at sitting in the room alone after the meeting eating the food. Nobody came in, but near plate emptiness the fire alarm blasted, prompting me to just leave. To my knowledge, the Prospector has not burnt down.

After the meeting I decided to run errands but all the stores were still closed. I then decided that I should go for a hike, but discovered that I had locked myself out of my apartment and was therefore unfit to hike in my Seychelles flats and white skirt... It was a glorious day however, so I spent as much time soaking up sunshine as I could. After running a couple errands and enjoying a bit of sunshine, I got a phone call from one of my employers commenting that the bar wasn't open - I told her I had noticed that too and thought it was a bit odd, then she told me that I had been scheduled to work. Oh. So much for a day off. I opened 2.5 - 3 hours late, but I did open. I had to make her come unlock it too, since I had locked myself out. I worked an extra hour that day, prepping for the event. I made minimal tips and spent most of an hour just carrying liquor bottles and restocking everything.

In the evening I went to the Hangar for dinner with Miss B, we had a nice time. Miss A was there too, so when Miss B left I sat at the bar with Miss A and we had a drink while planning to go to Miss E's birthday festivities. We went to A&P on the walk over to pick some things up, discovering such wonders as asparagus bunch candles in our adventures. The barbecue was great - Miss E and co. made some great food and the crowd was great, since we all consort with only the finest people. Eventually most of us trekked downtown to listen to the live bands, Deering and Down and Wisconsin Slim were performing. Lots of dancing occurred and Miss A and I went to the Wharf to watch the fireworks. After the fireworks, during which some drunk girls threw bottles at some guy standing very near us, we went back to listen to the bands and dance more. I didn't attend any after party, but wandered back to my place with my roommate and a couple others who were to sleep on our couches and floor. I did well with consuming lots of water which kept me from having a hangover for work the next day.

Bartending on the 4th was a real shit-show. As soon as I opened the bar, I had people walk in directly behind me. I wasn't sure how to respond and I wasn't sure if the people needed the hair of the dog that bit them or if they were still rolling from the night before. Either way, I did have to kick one of them out - not for being too intoxicated but for insulting me. I had to kick him out once more that day and again the next day, just because my new policy seems to be, "If I'm in the bar - you are NOT." Not like he's going to tip anyway. I did pretty well that day and did get to watch half the parade through the window. I had a woman in the bar with whom I was too patient, I wanted to yell at her that if she wanted a fast drink she wouldn't order a freaking Bloody Mary, but I was patient and nice, even when she said mildly offensive or at least awkward things. She suggested that maybe she dye her hair red in a mildly sarcastic tone, when I offered that it might be a good look she responded that maybe she should paint her face white, to which I responded that it might be bad for her complexion. At some point I said, "Look, I wish I could get a tan, ok, but I can't - it's in my blood." She then conceded that "for a white girl" I was "kind of pretty." Crazy lady. After getting off work I went home and took a nap for a bit, got ready for another night out with Miss A.

Miss A and I went to the Island Pub to have mojitos, pizza, and to listen to Fire on McGinnis, the local irish rock band. After a bit we decided to hit up the Hangar where we saw Lulu and the Aquanets performing. This band was rather novel because the female lead singer had a range that went from a low sultry female voice to a deep and gruff man voice. They did lots of covers from the 70's and 80's, which must have been why the crowd was a bit older than the company I tend to keep. Miss A and I parted ways and I ran into Mr. M and Miss L. I ended up going to the AK with Miss L and meeting some new people and running into one of my dance partners and new friends from the night before. We danced a couple more songs and then I went home before bar close because I was pretty exhausted. On my way out I walked past a former fling, thinking that he hadn't noticed me, I didn't bother to acknowledge him and say goodbye. A moment later he was at my side, grabbing my hand and asking me about my immediate plans. In a feat of great self control I managed to dodge the attempted kiss and avoid making that mistake again. I went home and enjoyed my lovely soft bed until I had to wake up early again for work.

Saturday was quieter at work and far less eventful - a blessing and a curse. After work I stopped by the boutique, discovering that I would be working that evening, but thankfully only for about 3 hours. Once I finished there I went to dinner with Miss MO and Mr. MT. We had a good time and then parted ways, allowing me to nap briefly and take a shower. I went out again on Saturday night to see Wisconsin Slim and discovered that the Great Alaska Bluegrass Band was also playing, so I bounced back and forth between the 'Vous and the AK, hanging out with Miss P, Miss K, Miss KB, and co. At the end of the night we were leaving and I tried to go straight home, but Mr. CN tried to convince me that going home was a terrible idea and that led me to pursue an after party at Miss K's place. Somehow I was separated from Miss K and Miss KB and not knowing how to get to their place, Mr. CN and I changed plans and watched part of X-Men at my apartment.

Sunday was the one day of the week I got to sleep in and I cherished it. I slept late, took a leisurely shower, and relaxed in solitude before work. Work was slow and completely uneventful until later in the evening when I was constantly running back and forth with pull-tabs. For some reason, beyond my comprehension, we have introduced $0.10 pull-tabs which are officially the bane of my existence. I was not so much a bartender as a tabs dispenser for a good half hour. Someone put down $20 on the ten-centers and that meant that I had to dispense 200 freaking tabs. I think that during that evening, I probably dispensed at least 500 of those tabs, if not more. The people defended their annoying request by claiming they tip well, a blatant lie as 5% is by no server's standards a good tip... And I know that is how much they tip because I provided them a winning ticket and that is exactly how much they tipped. I should have argued that, but I am much sassier in my brain than I am verbally. Miss J and Mr. M showed up toward the end of my shift, bringing better company and options for dinner plans. We went to the Twisted Fish and had delicious food and a bottle of wine (not to mention the two shots I had at the end of my shift) so I was feeling far more relaxed and went straight to bed when I got home at 10:30pm.

This morning I was so tired that when I wrote an e-mail to Miss C meaning to say, "I need a nap" I actually typed, "I need a name" and upon receiving a confused response of "a name?" I rechecked the sent message and laughed at myself. Thanks to some on the job dozing and a cup of coffee I am far more alert. Now.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

The simplest, shortest, most to the point to date.

I am sad.

It's not just one thing, it is a realization of many things but I'm feeling it.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Let's Fall Back to Earth and Do Something Pleasant

In good news, I have a new bed. New to me, at least. I bought it from a newspaper ad. It is a full bed with a pillow-top, I put my queen sheets on it, a queen comforter, and two pillows so it has become this giant mass of cotton sateen fluff in one corner of my room. It's all chocolate brown and teal and when I make the pillows out of Miss L's and my former togas, there will be some green in there too. The only thing that could make my room more glorious right now is if it were clean...

The scary thing about this is that, overall, I spent nearly $250 between buying a bed and buying the comforter, duvet, and pillows... that doesn't include the $60 I spent on the sheets back when I was living at my old place... $300 spent on something that I could not take with me if I left Juneau, $300 on something that makes my stay in Juneau feel less than temporary.

Everything else in my life feels pretty temporary. I'm in a temp position, I seem to have had a temp boyfriend of sorts, and I feel like my tolerance of a mostly meaningless existence will soon be at an end. At this point I can choose between picking up and going somewhere else, doing something else, or being miserable.

I was looking at idealist.org and I discovered some jobs that would relate to my German minor/obsession. They were all in New York City, which brings me again to an obsession with the city. It feels like, whatever I want, it exists in that city. The grad programs I adore, the jobs I would like, the culture, the excitement, the anonymity, the fashion... what doesn't this city have?

I'm becoming less and less sure about my plan to move to Denmark next fall, obviously. It just seems difficult because I can make more money here where I speak the language, where I have all of the proper documentation to work, where I can utilize resources like idealist.org, connections I have, and where I will not have to worry about switching to a stronger currency.

I'm worried that Sunday night will have been the last time spent with Mr. MM. I want to steal a bit more of his time before he leaves town, but with things like packing and visiting other friends in mind - I am trying not to expect to be the highest priority. Considering how well known he is in this town and how much everyone seems to adore him, I believe I've spent more of his time than perhaps I deserved? Who was I anyway, but a brief summer fling?

I've concluded that the best way to survive these long days on so little sleep (since I cannot seem to get to bed early enough) is to eat a snack or something every couple hours. Freeze dried miso and dried fruit are proving to be my best friends. A cup of coffee didn't hurt. Or that I got to bed before 10pm. I'm feeling more productive today than I might usually. The music helps too. And that I finally bought better headphones rather than using the creative-engineering genius that saved the soup cans impersonating earbuds I had before.

Well, this is shorter than usual, but I haven't got much to say aside from what I've said. Things are quiet when you wake up at 3am.