Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Home is where you...

...where your heart is?
...where you hang your hat?
...where you get kicked out of because your dad likes to over react?
...where you feel comfortable?

Any ideas?

Well, on my last full day in Oregon, after the family portraits, before curling up to sleep on my sister's floor without saying goodnight, a lot happened.

I joined my sister in visiting my Aunt, Uncle, and cousins, which was pleasant, despite one of the kids being sick and puking. That's what children do though. I realized at this point that 2 weeks is not nearly enough time to spend with the people who were important to me for some 10ish years of living in Oregon. Trying to spend time with family, friends, and even trying to fit in a bit of relaxation actually proved rather stressful. I did a lot of driving, a lot of staying up late, waking up early, going from place to place, and trying to please EVERYONE. I feel like it's more of a vacation being back in Juneau but still under-employed.

So I got kicked out of the house for the second time in my life. My dad had gone out of town, and we expected him, my grandmother, and her boyfriend to be gone overnight. My mom was out with her girlfriends and my youngest sister was at a sleepover. My sister who is closest in age invited over some of her girlfriends for a girls' night pre-funk and we indulged in some sweet alcoholic creations and sat around having fun and chatting. My sister who is a freshman in high school and her friend were still around and someone decided to allow them to have a drink. My 14 year old sister declared that she drank and that it was no big deal (I, being a bit of a late bloomer, was a bit horrified that my 14 year old sister was drinking) and she kept helping herself to more drinks, including a couple glasses of two-buck-chuck. As the night wore on, we were getting tipsy, including the 14 year old, I insisted that she was cut off, but I later discovered that she had been sneaking shots of vodka as well. I went outside to smoke a clove with one of the girls, and during the two minutes that I was outside, my dad, grandma, and the BF arrived in a whirlwind of yelling, swearing, and confusion (all thanks to the dad). I had no idea what the problem really was, and still have no clear recollection because it all happened so fast. All I can really describe is that there was a lot of yelling, swearing, and some items thrown, and we were all kicked out, despite having been drinking. Logic wouldn't work, we all grabbed what we needed and drove to Bend.

Once my 20 year old sister had calmed down enough to speak clearly, she got directions to some house party, where we all headed. I called my 14 year old sister and got her friend, who explained to me that my sister was puking - not realizing just how intoxicated she had gotten herself I apologized profusely and suggested she try to keep her in the room until my mom returned home, knowing that my dad would be in no state to take care of this situation.

We arrived at the house party where I knew nobody, felt like an outcast because I was the only non-skinny, non-snowboarding, strange girl in the place, and no introductions were made. I didn't feel any desire to be there, to participate in the drinking games or foreign conversations about snowboarding or Bend gossip. After not much time we left the party, taking one girl back to her car (not at our house, luckily) and my sister and I went with the German girl to Shari's where we ate crappy appetizers while we waited for a cab to take my sister and I home. My mom had spent several minutes convincing us that we should come home, that we should take a cab, and reassuring us that our dad was in bed. Not without placing overwhelming blame on us for the 14 year old's state, as though we were responsible for the fact that she was irresponsible enough herself to sneak so much alcohol and not know her limits. I feel guilty, yes, but it was beyond our control. I wonder what difference in upbringing existed that I would be such a "goody-two-shoes" going through high school, while my younger sisters drink to the point of their bodies rebelling. I think that the blame falls on my parents for not teaching my 14 year old sister how to make better decisions, how to maintain control, how to know her body and its limits, etc. My younger sisters have faced so many problems, I won't describe them any further, but I do believe that their upbringing, even slight differences between the way I was treated as the oldest and how they were treated as the middle or youngest kids, is enough that they are making far worse decisions in their life than I ever have. I've made mistakes, I have had emotional and mental health difficulties, but nothing comparing to those faced by my two middle sisters.

Off the sisters/problems tangent. When Schwesterlein and I finally made it home, taking a cab manned by a guy who was probably smoking crack between customers, we discovered that my mom had lied and that my dad was sitting at the kitchen table, looking disappointed or something. It's hard to read him when he isn't speaking, it's easy to tell what is going on in his mind when you can hear clearly the anger or sarcasm in his voice, but when he just looks there, the lines in his forehead don't bely what negative thoughts are dancing around in his head, not like sugarplums. He always does this thing, he says he doesn't want to talk about the issue at hand anymore, but he inevitably says something about it, eliciting some response, then he demands in a forceful voice that we aren't talking about it. I declared sometime during this exchange that I needed to pack. I went to the 20 year old's room, packed everything, and curled up in a ball on her floor without saying goodnight, dreading talking to my dad because when he left on the trip we had parted on mostly good terms, but now I couldn't even bear to look at him.

I left early Sunday morning. The 10 year old drove me to the airport, we hugged when she dropped me off. I made it on my flight, napped at the Sea-Tac airport, made my next flight, and was delighted to have Mr. D pick me up. My new roommate, Miss J was not home and I didn't have my key, so I was unable to take my suitcases to their new home (my new home). I spent much of the afternoon with Mr. D, running some errands, chatting some, and even watching Happy Feet - very cute. Not wanting to impose any longer I asked him to drop me and my luggage off at my old house, where I made myself at home, showering, cooking something, and checking my e-mails and such nonsense. I eventually managed to get into my new place, where I still have all of my suitcases and boxes partially open, clothing spewing out, strewn across the floor, while I apparently take my sweet time conjuring up enough coat hangers and storage solutions for my mass of stuff.

Sunday was Mr. CG's birthday, so eventually I joined Mr. L and Mr. CG in drinking some beers, watching some hilarious show, and eventually going to a bar. We went back to the old place where Mr. L tried to convince us that we should eat some, drink more, and watch more of the same show, but I was tired and Mr. CG and I went to bed. The next day I missed an appointment out of sheer laziness or something like that. Mr. CG and I had a late brunch at the Sandpiper and then I went back to the old place to gather some more of my things to take home. I ran into Mr. EJ and we had tea, I hadn't seen him as a while, as he had reverted to being a hermit for a few months. We had a nice chat until we parted ways.

Monday evening Miss P and I had our reunion, she dropped by my place and we went to the Hangar for a bit. I then recorded the voice tracks for Miss L's radio show and then met up with Miss P again at the Alaskan for Monday Night Raw with special rap battles and Mexican beers on special in honor of Cinco de Mayo. Miss P stayed the night and for the second night in a row the cold was kept at bay by some strategic spooning.

Tuesday was another sleepy day, I tried to be productive in the job search but that only partially happened. I ran into Mr. EJ again, also at Silverbow, I had had lunch, met with Miss C for warm beverages, and then he showed up and joined me at my table. I had to leave him after a bit to get a shot - the HPV vaccine has to be one of the least pleasant shots I've ever had - instant aching in the arm and it lasts for a couple days. All worth it to avoid cervical cancer though! I went home after this and spent some time with Miss J. In spending the evening with her I've discovered that we are very similar people and I can only imagine that we will morph into even more similar people, sitting on the couch, picking at our cuticles, and watching every John Cusack movie in existence. Went to the Bergmann with her, we played Rummy as a team, watched Better off Dead, both quoting it as it progressed, and creeped everyone out with our similarities, including ourselves.

Today I have applied for to jobs and am waiting to hear about potential interviews for two other jobs. I also stopped by the jewelry store where I had lots of friends last summer on Tuesday and was offered a job with no interview, no questions asked, just let the manager know. I had known the manager last summer, he is a nice guy, very quirky, and he would love to have me working there. I just have to decide whether or not I want to work in that sort of field. I also went to one of my favorite bars, seeking potential employment, and was told that if I wanted this particular shift it was mine, just let the owner know. Once again, I have to decide what I want to do for the summer, because some of the jobs I might take won't allow me to do some of the other potential jobs at the same time. It is tempting to take all of the part time jobs, be rather carefree, earning commission, working odd hours, and learning to bartend... but I also want health care, stability, and some relevant experience to use in my professional future. It's the choice of whether to be an irresponsible kid or a responsible young adult... what should I do!?!

In other news, there must have been some ears burning because within 12 hours of talking about a particular shared acquaintance with Miss J, said acquaintance texted, then called, then perhaps propositioned me? Shut down! I have developed a very low tolerance for such nonsense. I think that friendship is all we'll ever have at this point. I am pretty content with the current state of my social life without this person adding more complications.

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