Thursday, April 10, 2008

While I am at my worst, humanity is at its best...

So, I've had a rather miserable few days here. I've had a lot of cumulative stress and drama and I've cried at least four or five separate times over the course of three days. Perhaps these cries coincide with certain hormonal highs but it's still got a lot to do with the general goings on of my life.

Luckily, when I am at my worst, everyone around me somehow manages to collaborate on this greater plan to make me feel a whole lot better. People manage to walk a different way, go to lunch at a different place, or do things that are slightly different so that we cross paths and I get a much needed hug or conversation. People manage to plot out a way for me to salvage my sanity while maintaining financial security. People, even those who had no need to do so, have saved me from sinking into that deep dark sorrow that sometimes overcomes a person.

I have bitched and moaned for some time about my job and how I despise it. That's my fault. I hate my job because I chose the wrong job for me. I have had a great weight lifted and I have developed even more respect than ever before for the people I worked with. Today, the VP Ops was here and she pulled me aside first thing (I did cry for the fifth time in three days - but for relief perhaps) and she told me that I was released from my duties - not fired - released, that I would be leaving in good standing. I know that people must have discussed it, what to do with the girl who is an emotional wreck, and they chose to do one of the nicest and most thoughtful things anyone has done, they were honestly looking out for my best interests and they are honestly taking care of me at a time of need. Wow.

I feel (aside from a minor headache) wonderful. Okay. That's a lie. I still don't feel wonderful; I feel slightly guilty (maybe I should be Catholic), exhausted, anxious, and a bit sad, but also lighter and more empowered. Now, suddenly, I have more time to take control of my situation in life, to contemplate the issues at hand and really make some changes and fix things. The lightness I feel is comparatively wonderful.

I've got a theory here, and I think it may be correct: Hugs make you feel better. I don't think I hug or get hugged often enough. An embrace is a really powerful thing - it is a physical manifestation of any number of emotions or thoughts or concepts, including: love, affection, caring, gratitude, commiseration, friendship, and so many other things. It can be so much more powerful than words at times. That being said, I got a lot of hugs in the past few days and it was really nice. I got hugs from established friends, acquaintances, co-workers, and even a very caring customer (not at work). They made me feel better.

So, just a brief run-down of the past few days:

I have worked. I have gone to Folk Fest. I have gone to a doctor's appointment. I have cried five times. I have watched a movie. I have consoled my broken-hearted sister. I have received many hugs. I have made a new friend. I have had my faith in humanity renewed. I have given up. I have made mistakes. I have fixed things. I have tried. I have failed. I have succeeded. It's been a pretty crazy few days.

Highlights of the days include: Miss K's birthday, sexual innuendo with Miss B, friends who are willing to pick up the pieces, employers who are willing to pick up the pieces, and the upcoming job interviews.

Speaking of interviews: My first cry of the past few days happened in the doorway of an office at a staffing agency. Brilliant. I was meant to have an interview on that day, but through miscommunication the woman who was to interview me had rescheduled and I was never informed. I had been having a terrible morning and this just pushed me over the edge, causing me to burst into tears in the doorway. The woman who was to interview me (at another time) asked frantically if there was anything she could do for me, and when I responded "find me another job..." she sat me down, handed me some tissue, and pulled up my resume to figure something out. Wow. I don't recommend crying at an interview, but I guess it did me a bit of good. This lady was wonderful and I think I'll have an interview coming up soon.

I also have an interview coming up on Friday for a restaurant/bar here in town. I've never worked as a server or bartender before, but I will be hopeful. This sort of job is terribly lucrative in a tourist town like Juneau - I've heard good things about people bringing in lots of money. I also think that having a skill like serving or bar tending is really useful, as it is a skill that is necessary all over the world.

Barely over a week before I go home to Oregon. I am most looking forward to seeing my sister (I have more than one, but one of them is one of my best friends), my other sisters, my mom, my grandma, my best friends, and Wulapalooza. It should be a much needed vacation, despite the drama that inevitably exists in my home.

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