Saturday, March 29, 2008

(Re)kindling a flame - literal and metaphorical.

Last night turned out better than I had expected and had some interesting twists and turns. I claimed I'd be passive, but I did what I generally do and called Miss P to see what she was up to. She told me that her sister and her friend would be heading to a bonfire and I decided to go along, encouraging Mr. L to do the same. We headed to the liquor store and met Miss P there. Mr. L bought some beer while Miss P and I brought back the Schnapps (to be mixed with hot chocolate!).

We headed out to Sandy Beach and set up a bonfire, Mr. AT was there, though we didn't have any lovely conversations in German. Mr. N was there and we chatted a bit, though I can't tell where we stand after the birthday bash night. I spent a lot of the evening chatting with a Mr. B, whom I had met nearly two years ago at Miss L's apartment in Oregon. We made eye contact across the fire and gestured wildly to indicate the recognition. Another fun part of the bonfire experience was nabbing some pallets from some high school kids, and an old Christmas tree from some very young kids. We then managed to make our fire last past midnight, which as we'd discover at around 12:30 am was not necessarily a good thing. An officer showed up and spotlighted our bonfire site, so with our now diminished numbers we began to kick sand onto the embers hoping to put out the fire completely. The two youngsters ran off, guided by the wise directions of we older and more experienced adults to stop running in the spotlight, "left! LEFT!" The officer came and gave those of us remaining a lecture about bonfires, curfews, city v. state parks, and glass bottles. Nobody got in trouble but we had to say goodbye to our peaceful evening of looking at the stars, singing jumbled Peter, Paul and Mary songs, and drinking.

After that, we took our smoky selves downtown, where we scattered, ending up at either the Rendezvous or the Alaskan, depending on one's preference for music and company. Deering & Down or Bluegrass 101 (now known as The Greatest Alaskan Bluegrass Band or some such nonsense). I was very amused to see no less than four of my former flings at the Alaskan, amused but not surprised. I was also greatly amused at what I believe to have been attempted advances made by a gentleman I serve at my job. I accepted a couple drinks and provided my company, but when the advances grew too strong I found myself suddenly needing to join Mr. A and his friend for a cigarette break. I had sworn recently that I'd never smoke another, but the timing was right. I do believe I had sworn off Mr. A entirely, citing his inability to make time for me, but when he looked so happy to see me and greeted me with that sincere apology and gave me those big puppy eyes... I found myself falling under that spell once again. I spent the rest of the evening chatting with him and his friend, trying to brush off Mr. PH, who was being flirtatious as he sometimes can be, and casting the occasional glance at Mr. C who seemed content enough with his fellow thespians. I won't claim that things with Mr. A are perfect, I still feel completely overlooked when certain topics come up or when certain people come around. He was speaking so animatedly with Miss L about something I had tried to pry out of him that I just wanted to ask him why he couldn't give a little more of himself to me. Questions and requests and accusations welled up in my mind through most of the night, but it was not the time nor the place. I can't decide if I can handle further pursuit of this relationship because I don't know if I'll get all that I deserve out of it. There are moments when I am enamored with him and his passion and his intelligence and his nature, but other times I wish he could just be a little more flawed in those areas so he could be a little more whole in others. If only I could just have his undivided attention for more than just the brief period of time before we go to sleep. I want everyone else to disappear from the world for a day so that I can have him to myself for once. Selfish? It does sound that way...

Today I'm meant to work on a sketch or two of an invitation for a community outreach event and also volunteer at the KTOO pledge drive. I am glad I have some productive things to do and a deadline for something, rather than spending the entirety of my day lounging and contemplating my destiny as a cat lady.

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