Tonight I lost in the first round of Rock-Paper-Scissors. Oh no! I lost to Mr. K, so at least it was not a bitter loss. I also lost when I was practicing with Mr. J earlier in the evening. He had almost convinced me that I had just gotten all my losing out of the way, but obviously that wasn't the case.
I wouldn't call myself unlucky though. It was a fun evening surrounded by friends, full of fun, and good music. I went to the Alaskan initially for open mic night and because I was bound to know someone there - right? I sat with Mr. J and we discussed life a bit and then got onto the subject of foreign films. Looks like Saturday night, after volunteering at Wearable Art, I'll be having Mr. J over for some French and German film watching. I'm not entirely sure how this activity is being interpreted by Mr. J, and I'm not entirely sure how I interpret it myself. I am going to settle on it being a fun night watching foreign films with the only other person in Juneau who is snobby enough to watch with me. We're quite the pair.
Also being scheduled for the future is a party at the house of Misses S, J, M, and H - at least I think they all officially live there... Anyway, Miss S and I were discussing with the liquor distributor about town the potential for doing away with some beer that none of us would actually drink except under certain circumstances (and maybe not even then) and those circumstances are obviously a house party. And so there shall be a house party in the future, planned in part by me, I believe, and it will have a theme if I get my way.
Today I was having a hard time at work, and I suppose I was having a hard time yesterday as well. I am in this awful position of power/responsibility in a few spheres of my life, a position I've decided I don't much care for, for the following reason: Nobody takes me seriously. At work I have to put on my bitch-face and force people to comply by removing any semblance of the friend that I may have been before. At my meetings I also feel like I'm not taken seriously, mostly because other people keep trying to exert their power and try to run the meeting despite me being there trying to run it myself. If I don't cut people off, someone else is likely to take my segue and run my damn meeting. It is incredibly frustrating and it is awful to feel as though you are being undermined. I was really bothered by the situation - one person in particular seemed to be taking over a lot - so after seething over it for a while, I decided to write an e-mail about it. I tried to be as rational as humanly possible, so I hope this person is not upset that I said something. I made it clear that I did not blame the person, that I was sure it was just that this person did not realize that it was a frustration to me, and possibly that this person did not realize that he/she did this at all. I think I did a decent job of just asking for one simple change that would in turn alleviate my feelings of helplessness and frustration.
Sometimes I feel like that whole crowd doesn't like me. I really try, but I don't feel that I've really connected with anyone that well and I don't really feel like anyone wants to get to know me or be friends with me. Maybe it has something to do with my immediate role of authority (though people don't really take that seriously as I had said) or maybe we just have nothing in common but a desire to network and do community outreach. I did date a certain member of the club very briefly. Briefly being, I think, the key word. It's kind of frustrating that in all of this social networking I don't feel like I've made a single real friend. The bar scene, however, has provided me with a plethora of friends. I don't really know what to make of that phenomenon.
Actually though, things are looking up in terms of social networking and the club. Two new people have started attending, one of whom I invited since we went to university together, the other I didn't know before, but she seems really friendly and possibly not as "grown up" as a lot of the members of the club. I saw her tonight at the competition and shall see her again on Saturday volunteering at Wearable Art. I am also having lunch next week with someone who is interested in potentially joining the group. I've been offering to meet people for lunch of coffee as a slightly less intimidating way to find out what the group is about. I must say, even if people don't take me that seriously, even if I sometimes mess up, I do make a wonderful figurehead. I should probably marry into royalty and just make a career of being a useless figurehead; cut some red tape, hand out some awards, and wave at the masses. Perfect.